Life With Sulis

Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness: I have written and rewritten this post in my head over the last month. It has taken me this long to figure out what It is that I needed to say. Today, the last day of my 30th year, I look out over the last year and try to make sense of what happened. I found out just exactly who are my TRUE, family and friends. How far each of them would go for me. Some fell whooofully short of my expectations. Some even in their own pain gave more then I expected.


I found out who I am, and who I want to be. Reexamened my roots. and agonized over every decision good or bad I have made. I read back over every piece of writting I have written since I was in grade school. Tried to see the patterns, tried to make sense of the pain. I watched as my friends lost their grip on the little piece of rope they are dangling on, helpless to do anything for them. I watched people I admire reexam who they are and what they stand for. Their struggle is torturous to watch, but often they say just what I need to hear in this process.


I made some decisions that will forever change my life this year. I choose to leave a nearly 15 year relationship this year. It took me nearly 5 years to work up the courage to do it. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. The memories alone are staggering. The pain and the pleasure immeasurable. I know now that It was the next right thing to do. It should have been done years ago. When the suffering could have been lesssened. The pain might have been easier to deal with. But for better of worse the self destructive cycle he and I where in is now for the most part over. We will forever be locked in this dance together. Our children need us to learn and be strong for them. To show them how to behave.Their happiness depends on it. The pain I caused I will carry the guilt to my grave. What happened effected so many lives, too many hearts. I am so sorry for causing my family and friends this pain. If I knew of a way to make it all disappear I would. I can't change what happened in the past but I can choose to learn from it and try to make better decisions in the future.


I also moved 1000 miles to find myself. So here is where you find me. Living in the country in the beautiful hill country of Texas. Surrounded by family and friends some I never knew I had. Standing among a group of 50 family members once again is a beautiful and calming experience to me. I missed it more then I can say. Here I found my roots. I was able to deal with a pain I have endured since my birth. I finally was given the truth about who I am physically. You see, in my family my birth was a family secret. Noone would tell me anything about it. Since I have been here I have found out alot about why my mom and I are often at odds. I was finally after 30 years given the right to know who my biological father is. To know for sure was like a huge weight lifted off of my soul. I large chunk of who I am given back to me. The news was no surprise to me, somewhere in my soul I have always known. I don't even know how that is it just has always been. But knowing for sure makes me feel more whole. Having said this, I have to add, that in my heart I have only one father. My father raised me for good or bad as best as he knew how. He will always be my father. The first man I ever loved and my rolemodel for what men are like. ( more on the ramifications of this later)


Being here in texas has allowed me the space to discover what I stand for. (Over the next few blogs I will explain what I am about to say further) The area is beautful and the people are wonderful. The town I live in has 946 poeple in it. They still have faith in mankind. They still believe in the general goodness in poeple. Yes, I live in a town where people still leave their car and house doors unlocked. Where neighbors come over and sit on the front porch and chat whatching the children play in the yard. Where you smile and wave to complete strangers you happen to pass on the street. It has been a cleansing period for me. Trying to purge the pain and fear and the hardness I have accumulated over the years is proving diffucult at best. But I feel I am making progress. I find myself having to yell less, losing control less, smiling more,playing more, giving more, swearing much less(scarey but I hardly ever say f**k anymore)and in general being much more happy.


This doesnt mean that I dont get down. I would be lieing. I do cry, alot, but then I have been through a lot lately and their are alot of things I still need to sort out. Learning not to feel lonely. for one. Sleeping alone is probably something no matter how many years go by I will never like or get used to. Not knowing where I am heading is a scarey thing for a virgo. For the first time in my life I do not have 2 or 3 back up plans. The night I left was a pivital point in my life. I saw something in a man I could no longer accept, I realized at that moment looking in his eyes and later listening to my children talk about their evening that leaving was not just an option it was something I had to do right away. So with nothing but the love and gentle words of my family and a few very close friends, I took a leap of faith a drove 1000 miles to get here with nothing more then my children, $4.00 and some clothes.


So here I stand on the threshold of my 31st year with my heart open to all the possiblities. Searching for a sign of what the next right thing to do is. As I don't have my own phone and or internet connection and am relying on the kindness of friends for these services I will probably not be posted daily, But I will be posting as much as possible becuase sharing these feelings and thoughts with all of you help me to deal with the realties of life. Thank you all for you love and well wishes it means alot to me.


Now PoMa emial me please, I am worried. Laughing watch your back email me if you need to talk and let go of the pain. Dark Sir and KD I hope you and yours are all well. Yo'all will make it through this storm eventually. You know how to get in touch. Kat and T thanks for understanding why I didnt let you in on what was going on. I caused enough pain didnt need you in the middle of it. I love you both hope the trail went well and everyone makes it back home in one piece. I miss you GOD i need to talk. You just dont relize how nice it is to have someone who knows you well enough that you dont have to explain everything you say to them. Those over at girl2 miss ya love ya watching over ya, wish i could do more. To Oso thank you for sharing your home and your family with me.I know you will probably never see this but You have shown me how a true gentleman should behave. I only hope that my sons grow to be as strong and true as you are. Your influence is already making a difference in their lives. DZ I have one word for you and its MINE! Id say more but it would just embarrass you. You know it all anyways. Babyd thanks for showing me unconditional love You are an awsome friend, I could not have made it through this without you (literaly) Thanks for lending a ear and everything else. You gave of yourself when noone else had the time or the inclination to when I was down you sheltered me and talked me through the ruff spots. I will never forget it. Talent, nothing I can say can make a dent in things but for what it is worth I am sorry!


luv ya all, sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 1:21 AM