Life With Sulis

Lots of thoughts and no answers: Man, I have so many things racing through my head right now its hard to catch one and examine it for any length of time. My mind is like a giant chorus of thoughts all singing a slightly different note and song. Its deafening. I have always lived my life with this symphony occurring inside my mind. It is both my greatest strength and my darkest weakness. Sometime all the thoughts work together to allow me to accomplish things that noone imagines I can. On the other hand the noise can be a great distraction sometimes taking my focus away from the real issues at hand. It has prompted some to call me a genius and others to call my flacky. I am saying all this because I think that it helps a little to visualize what is going on in my head before you try to read my thoughts in the coming weeks. If my mind wonders off the subject or abruptly changes directions, please forgive me.

So it begins with Love, what the hell is Love. A long time ago a friend of mine, Billu told me that love is a decision you make. You CHOOSE to love someone and you CHOOSE not to love someone. At the time I told him he was totally full of shit, that you can’t choose whom you love. Its something that just happens. To an extent I still believe this. I know that there are people whom I am inexplicably attracted to and others I am repelled from, despite any direction or choice to the contray. My feelings right now is that LOVE really is the one thing that gets me in trouble more then not. I trust and believe in those I love and invariably they destroy that trust and blind belief. I am so tired of being hurt I don’t want to love anymore. I don’t want to give anyone the ability to hurt me anymore. But then the truth occurs to me that despite what I want my heart always chooses its own direction. So blindly I love a man that that has hurt me in the past, who has devastated my trust, who has abused my feelings. I feel myself letting him in once more. I look into his eyes and I feel myself wanting to believe that life with him will be everything the promise says it should be but I sit here afraid to truly believe that its real. I still am waiting for the pain to take over once again. This emotion is so strong that I am crying as I write this.

Why am I crying? I don’t know I think that it is because I so want the dream. I want to believe that I am with a man who loves me soooooo much that I am everything to him. That he will do anything and everything for me. That he will allow me to be his everthing too. Maybe it’s the princess in me. My daddy told me recently that he made us to independent for our own good and that he spoiled us girls into believing we should have everything our ways. Maybe, he is right. I want it all my way. But who doesn’t?

What is it that I want? In its simplest form I want to have love from a honorable man. A man who love me above all else. To whom I was enough. Someone I know I can always see that no matter what another woman said or did to him I could always say HE loves me He loves you not. Like the song goes no chains he is faithful because he likes what he has. So I guess what I am saying is to know that I am appreciated. I don’t care if I only here him tell me he loves me once in his lifetime. I want to SEE that he loves me. Because after all actions speak so much loader then words. I’ll cherish every night here on my knees. To feel justified in serving loyally and completely is something center to my whole being.

This brings up so many other wants and needs. I want to have a man who love children and is a good father and is willing to help me be the awesome mother I know I have it inside me to be. This means I need a very strong man. Who is able to compensate for my weakness, able to show me how to be stronger without making me feel like I am a failure for it. A man who know himself and me enough to know what direction to take our family. Who is just but firm. If the truth were known I always have wanted to have a large family but have never felt comfortable enough to get pregnant on purpose. I have 3 children but only 1 was a choice I made consciously. They are not mistakes just not planned but loved all the same.

I chuckle remembering having the 6 children with me everyday, I remember wishing they where all mine. I don’t know why I want a large family other then that I love the activity and the love that only occurs in large families. So few men out there have the means to care for a large family. They cant support a large family financial, or emotionally. This makes me so sad. Your family is true sign of your love, your values; they are what you make them. They are lots of work but lots of blessings too. But I digress again.

Lets start from the beginning. I grew up believing that prince charming was going to find me and sweep me off my feet. You know love letters, kisses, and sweet little things he does to let you know how much he really loves you. Then after he has shown that he loves you enough he does something totally romantic and proposes to you. (this is the cant live without you fairy tale thingy) The whole on bended knee, diamond in his hands kinda thing. Then a year or so later you would have this huge wedding with all your family and friends around. You had to wait a year because it took that long to get it all organized. After that you went on your honeymoon and lost your virginity to your “one true love” . From that point on you where a family.

I always figured I would end up with a very religious, family oriented man. Someone who would be the husband and father you see on shows like 7th heaven. So from the start we would be focused on what was right for our quickly growing family. Being raised catholic I always thought I was gonna have 6 kids or so. Maybe more as true Catholics do not believe in birth control. Not having sex with the man that you love is just not an option as far as I see it. I wanted to be able to have a pregnancy test and find it positive and be able to happily tell my husband that he will once again get to be a daddy. I also thought that men would automatically be good fathers. Would be active in their children’s lives help me raise them to have the morals to survive in today’s society.

Then after the children had been raised I would grow old by my husbands side, watching our grandchildren play and doing all the things that we didn’t get to do as we sacrificed to make our young family strong.

So here I sit with my shattered dreams wishing noone had ever told me the fairy tale. I could have lived with what I had if people would have been more honest about what life was really going to be like. They told me that if you where just a good person that all the good things in life would happen for you. BULLSHIT!!!
I have always tried to be a good person. I try to treat everyone with a measure of respect and love. I give everyone the chance to prove what kind of a person they really are. More then once this attitude has caused me to be physically or mentally injured. But on the other hand I have met some wonderful people who had I not stuck around long enough to get past the fascade I would not have gotten to know the beautiful person underneath.

So here I stand wondering if I should truly let go of the dream, or put my heart out there and trust once again. What do you think?

posted by digitalsulis @ 4:56 PM