Reposted as requested
Anyway, Reading Souls blog made me think back to how it was that I began talking to kimi, Soul, Flagg and eventually tats and zoe. It all started because Talent brought me into a brand new chat room one night. It was the first or second night of kimiko-dreams it was somewhere around my birthday I think but it has been so long I really don't remember. I met a lot of really neat people in the chat room. The most striking of which was Kimi. I spent the next few days going over ever inch of her site. Her bio and writtings made me feel safe around her. Almost as if I had met something of a kindrid spirit. She was friendly and easy to talk to. Back then she chatted and smiled and played alot more then she does now. My computer still holds memories of those days. Pictures of a smiling kimi sticking her tongue out at the camera, dancing with a body pillow, etc. She was extremely full of life, and sooooo obviously proud of being owned by Soulhuntre.
I found myself saying things to kimi that I never admitted to anyone even myself. My dad had brought me up to believe that the world is my oyster. I could have anything I was willing to work for. He also taught me that Woman should be independent and not overly subservent to men. Don't get me wrong my dad is a red neck and as such believes that woman should do certain, "wifey duties" but for the most part he felt that I needed to break the cycle and be the one calling the shots. This has never worked for me. For as hard as I might try to be Dominant(and I can when I need to be for business purposes or to protect myself)it is not natural to me. The more we talked the more I realized that I hated myself because I felt I was weak for wanting to serve.
Kimi gave me something I can not thank her enough for. She gave me knowledge, she showed me that I was not alone in my feelings of conflict. I had never even discussed the poly relationship I lived in with anyone. It was just a fact of my life and something I would never talk about for fear of people hating me or thinking I was sick. In kimi I found someone who understood how hard it was to be the one not getting the attention. Many of night kimi has sat up chatting with me so I didn't have to think about what was going on in the other room. I knew it was only fair for kat to also get her time but being human I still felt the pangs of jelousy. I hope that kimi felt she could talk to me and that at some level I was some comfort to her also.
That brings us to Soulhuntre. I knew very little of him other then what kimi spoke of. He seemed like a mean, evil human being to me at the time. I will not lie here, when I first knew of Soul I hated him. I hated him for making kimi cry, I hated him for hurting her in any way, I just hated him. I thought him evil in its purist form. I am sad to say I have at one time been one of those people who really really wanted to "rescue" kimi from him. (for the record I know that kimi is an intelligent woman who has made a decision to be with a man that she honors and does not in any way need "saving" of any kind)
So whenever I find a problem in something my instinct is to research it. So I plunged myself into learning as much as possible about this man they called Soulhuntre. Hopeing that I don't sound like a stalker I read everything I could find on him. I found out his real name and cross refrenced it with everything. I found out that he was extremely intelligent, especially about computers. Way way above my head. That lead to reading the BDSM listservs. Frankly some of what both he and his friend Flagg had to say scared the hell out of me. It was so contrary to what I had been taught was OK. But I found myself agreeing more and more with what they had to say. The more I learned about him the more respect I had for him. He rarely wavered from his point. He made a decision about something and stood by it. You could go back and look at his comments from years before and if you asked him the same questions there was a 99% chance he would answer it the same way. I guess the word here would be CONSITANT.
Consitancy is not one of my strong points, probably why I look for it so strongly in Dominant. I guess I hope it will be ingrained in me by them eventually. Now getting back to what I was saying, the more I read about this Soulhuntre the more I respected him. I may not have agreed with everything he said or did but I had and do have extreme respect for him. To the point of which that I come to judge people by him. If Soul considered someone a friend then that person should be a decent person to know. About this time Soul, Flagg, and the ever elusive SirC, began publicly talking about their project "The estate."This if you don't know is a training program for submissives.
I researched the site, read articles the three of them wrote about it and found myself thinking more and more about things they would say in these articles. I started writting down questions left and right until finally I worked up the courage to talk to kimi about wether I should ask these questions to them. She told me to go for it, and for some time I began asking tons of questions to both Soul and Flagg.I even asked for Flagg to mentor me since I knew I did not have the means to get to New York. They agreed and for as short as the time was Flagg gave me a lot of insight into what exactly where my weaknesses and what I could do to fix them. I still have most of the email just to go back to when I am feeling particularly weak. I eventaully had to respectfully ask Flagg to discontinue mentoring me as I felt my current situation would not allow me to give his time and effort the fullest respect it deserved.
So that is why when I read Souls blog today it moved me to write. The songs/poems on the side of his blog today are incredible. I am a huge lyric person and music to me is the stuff of life. The words to go with the dance of life. You will often find me putting a lyric down on my blogger when i can't put my feelings into words but the song does it for me. I tell people who have ever listened to my radio station that if you listen carefully to what I am listening to you will know everything you need to know about what I am thinking and feeling.
Three things struck me very abrubtly when I read them and maybe he can clarify exactly what he ment The people who might be the focus of those desires simply do not want to be on the receiving end of them.and I am filled with the desire to play and act and scene usually when someone is simply thrilled to be there for me. The feeling of availability - of willingness is what I get off on most. That is my main trigger. and The thing is - I like being worshipped and adored. I like being called "Sir" and "My Lord". I like it when it isn't just a word that's hot. It should mean something - it should be real. It should be true. You see I see it like this. Soul has woman around him that will do willingly just about anything his little heart desires. Yes, their eyes may well up with tears and their bodies my tremble with fear. For the beast within is more then most women want to ever come across.(For the record most normal intelligent males have this highly aggressive testosterone driven side to them some just fear it more then others and do anything they can to hide it)But they are willing because they do worship you. The fear is always there. There are tons of thing I am afraid of that I do not Want of my own will to do, but for the right Dom will willingly endure because by my eduring the fear and pain for him I am giving him pleasure and in pleasing him I am empowered. I feel the pride that I was able to conquer my fears and bear the pain. IF he stops doing those things that make bring him pleasure because he is afraid of my response, my fear or my pain then I have somehow failed him. That is a hard thing I believe for any submissive to deal with if they truly worship and adore and respect their owner. I believe Kimiko and tatsumi(although technically she is not "owned")feel that way. I am not speaking for them I am just conjecturing based on comments they both have made in the past.
I have lived my life in fear that others would find out who I really was and hate me for it. Until recently I never felt comfortable even in my own skin. It has been a long hard road and I know I have made decisions that have hurt others in this process. It is not intentional it is just what it is. I still have a long way to go before I truly if ever feel comforable just letting people know exactly who I really am but I am on my way.
Lastly, I am right with you on the Sir thing. I have been kicked out of many a bdsm d/s chat room because I feel very strongly that being honorifics you earn being called Sir, or Master, or My Lord... fill in your favorite honorific here. For the record Soul and Flagg are 2 of only 4 people I have ever felt deserved the title Sir. Soul I hope that you know that there are alot of people who do respect you, and wish you ever good thing this world can give you. We thank you for allowing us to see past the "owner" to the Ken. I am sooo looking forward to reading your writting on the estate.
Well I guess i gushed enough hugs and kisses to everyone, love sulis
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