Life With Sulis

The Root of All Evil:
As you all know I recently turned 32 and have been seeing a counselor for some time. Trying to figure out exactly what it is I want. Why even when the people areound be where trying their damndest to keep me happy I was still unhappy. Last week my counselor asked me a few questions that made me a little uncomfortable. probably because they hit a little close to home. I am not gonna say exactly what he asked me but it really rocked the foundation of my world. As friends and people go I am the eternal optimist. I bring certain people into my life out of some misguided idea that I can help them. Some I can some I can't but always I have this unshakeable faith that people are basically good. In the past that has come back to kick me in the ass on several occasions. The trust I placed in someone was broken by lies or cheating. So lately I have cacooned myself from everyone even in most senses from those people most important to me. I became afraid to let anyone in for fear that they would hurt me again. It was making me miserable. I am a social being and a healer and lover my nature. distancing myself from others goes against the very grain of who I am. But allowing these people back into my life means pain for me and frustrations.

I know I have said this before but it totally confuses me why people want to fight all the time. Why people dont help eachother. Why they are always trying to knock eachother down. Can someone explain it to me in a way that makes sense. Its not genetically effective for the race as a whole because we are wholely fragile beings. We need eachother in some fashion or another for the basic stuff of life. So why do we do it? There is a woman at my office that feels so competitive towards me that whenever I start to talk to a patient of another employee she feels the need to step in a correct me. Most of the time her correction is wrong because she doesn't know what we are talking about or doesnt have all the information. What in the hell am I supposed to do to stop it. She is a sweet lady in every other way. I don't want to upset her or start a war. I just want to make it clear to her that she does not need to step into every conversation I have.

On the subject of marriage and family, learning to let go of fantasies that will never occur and live in the present and enjoy what I have is tuff for me. I want to believe that everyone I love wants the best for everyone. That we can all get along and work together but in truth I don't ever see that happening. Out of spite of hatred or misguided desire to help me things are always gonna be fucked up. I want everyone to work together and for the record I would never do what I was accused of doing I love her too much to do that to her it would scar her for life to have the police come. Only if her life where in danger would I do that. You all should know better, I could have many many many times but haven't why would I start now, when it would do the most harm to her fragile phsychie. Please don't tell that beautiful girl things like that again, image the stress that put her under. We need to get along. This war needs to be put aside for the them. I have tried the leaving everything alone tactic but my dream that everything would work out just is not gonna happen and dragging this along for ever is only making things worse.

On the homefront, things are getting hectic. Digi's work is crazy causing him tons of stress. That along with school makes for a less then happy Digi. But he does well to hide it. And he is taking steps to fix it. Looking around for a better job. Something more along the lines of what he wants to do. As for me I am doing ptetty well all in all. Have family and friends areound me to enjoy. Spent last 3 day weekend on the whirlwind family tour. Spent the entire weekend at one famiy even or another. The baby had a blast playing with all his cousins and friends. And swimming till he was waterlogged and black as tar. Bucked hay at DIgi's moms place on monday. Damn hayfever had me trowing up in no time. But took some benedryl and had a good time anyways. Finally took home a bunch of stuff we couldnt get to until for awhile. So I spent the week finding places for everything. Still have a few loads of stuff to get from Digi's granmommis and moms place. Found most of my clothes.lots don't fit anymore but i can where the shirts as jackets so it works. Digi's mom and I took the afternoon off this friday and went with the baby to his grandfriends day luncheon. it was nice and we enjoyed seeing all his work. and hearing that he is doing really good and behaving beutifully. I am so proud of him.

Now on to the subject of this post. my counselor asked me why I wanted for my children the very thing that I don't see a need for in my self. Mainly material things. I have always been happier with the company of loved ones and good fun or good food then anything tangible. I could be just as happy in a one room shack with the right people as I could be in a castle. But I wanted my kids to have all the things that they wanted. For instance my oldest having all the designer clothes and stuff he wants. I didn't know how to answer that questions. But as I though about it over the last week I reliazed that it comes down to my need for harmony. I want everyone to be happy ( Yes, I knwo that will never happen) and I know that unlike me everyone else needs things to make them feel fulfilled and happy. Weather thats a new motorcycle or a new 2 gig processor or anything in between. Every single fight I can remember in my adult life stemmed from some financial issue. Or was a result of being unhappy because of financial reasons. Not enough money to go out somewhere not enough money to buy this toy not enough money to pay for this bill. Even the problems I caused myself are financially based. I tried to make other happy by juggling everything around so much it made a mess of our finances. I tired to make my self happy by fixing my environment but ended up not having the money to complete the jobs. I moved to find stabitly and center myself and ended up not having the money to keep things together. I had always heard the saying money is the root of all evil. looking back at my life I realize that that statement along with The road to hell is paved with good intentions is the story of my life and the truest words ever spoken.

So how do I fix this mess. Some of it is irepairable. I'll have to let it go and move on. Some of it I will just have to bite down and go without for a bit till I can pay things off and get my credit back in order, ( good luck Soul I feel for you) The rest is a matter of finding what I love and capatilizing on it till I make enough money to live in peace. Will things ever be perfect? Fuck no! But I can do my damndest to fill the void, and learn not to try to make everyone happy. Just the important people. Screw the rest.

Well love and kisses and I miss you guys. Poma work hard I want to see an invitation to a graduation in the future. I know you can do it. YOu just have to believe in yourself and ignore any setbacks you have. Just keep you eye on that degree and the rest will follow. love you tons. Kat keep your head up girl, you know the drill things will fall in place. You have the skills I have watched you develop that knowledge now we just have to wait till someone give you a chance to let it show.I will be praying for you. love and kisses sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 10:41 AM