Life With Sulis

THis song has been covered many times although it originally was written by stevie Nicks. The story goes she was in Aspen Colorodo at the time and lindsey her long time lover and bandmate left her after a fight. She wrote this because she was stranded there and was searching for something to express her feelings about what was happening in her life.

Landslide
I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
'til the landslide brought it down
Oh, mirror in the sky -What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin'...ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know.....I don't know
Well I've been afraid of changin'
because I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I'm getting older too....
So, take my love...take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
and if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills...
well the landslide will bring it down
The landslide will bring it down

The song really hits me hard in a couple of places. She talks about the obstacles that seem to appear in life. She uses the mountain as a metaphor for this. It seems to me that my life has been a set of mountains I needed to climb. Some of the put there of my own doing others placed there by people who didn't want to see me suceed. Regardless you still have to climb to the top. To get a clearer picture of what is happening. I try to remember that. But I will be honest it is not always easy.

she talks about her reflection. Seeing herself. and that the landslide brought that relflection down. As you meet those obstacle it changes who you are. Destroys the person you where and creates a completely new and different person. Sometimes as your climbing that mountain you look at yourself and don't recognize the person you have become. I have been searching for that person for several years now. A search I am not sure I will ever complete. WHO THE FUCK AM I? Am I the bitch that some would make me out to be? Am I the innocent sweet girl that I would like to see myself as? I don't know. All I do know is I look at my reflection and I don't recognize the person I see. I look around me and I don't know where to turn, what to do, why to do it. I have been living one day at a time. Trying to deal with each obstacle as they appear. Doing the NEXT RIGHT THING. But honestly how long can you live like that? How long can you live not knowing where you are going? Who you can trust? What you are living for?

But I think that most stricking of all the lyrics in this simple song is this section:

Oh, mirror in the sky -What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin'...ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know.....I don't know
Well I've been afraid of changin'
because I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I'm getting older too....

I have been holding back not doing what I should because I was afraid of change. I had built my life around an ideal I will never see happen. I can't change other people. I can't make them be the person I would want them to be. I have to grow up and realize that I can't expect another person to make me happy. That I have to make myself happy. I have known for a long time that things can not be changed no matter how badly I would want them to. That unfortunetly some people are just who they are. It doesn't make them evil just means you have to either choose to love them and stay around and deal with the bad stuff. Or leave them and know that you will always have that part of you somewhere else.

A year ago and some odd months I packed up everything that would fit in my car and left. Left everything I knew and just about everyone I loved or cared about and moved to Texas. I needed to get away. I needed to be outside of the pressure and the fear and the distrust. I felt myself starting to make improper discissions based on fear and family pressure. I did not want to live my life in the same manner I had been. Was that selfish of me? Probably. Was it the right thing to do at the time. YES! Did it make my life harder. YES! YES! YES! WOuld it be eaiser to give up and run back to the security of my family and friends, to acknowledge defeat and accept a life that is destructive to my mind, body and soul? Fuck yes. Should I do it? I would have to say NO.

Its been time to move on for years I just didn't want to accept it. It has nothing to do with abandoning anyone. I still love and care about all of my family and friends in Arizona and California. I just know that I am a better person here. That I can be an even better person in my current environment surrounded by the people who are currently in my life. They support with out controlling instead of controlling without supporting. Its a huge change to be around people who want to help you to work with you and not against you. I have pushed many a friends and possible lover away because of my fear of this. I need to change that. I need to allow myself to allow others in. I can not judge every man on my past. I can not judge all families by my own. I have to define my own life. Then I will be worthy of being part of something bigger.

Wish me luck and thank you all who email me or share your personal thoughts through your bloggers. It helps alot when I am afraid and alone. I will rise above this. I WILL! I miss you all. Love and kisses sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 6:57 AM