Life With Sulis

I'm Dreaming of a ......Well, here it is Christmas day. Had a decent day. Slept in..... Kept the baby up way late so he would be too tired ot wake up at the crack of dawn. Decorated the house and put out the presents last night. Had them all thinking we where not having Christmas here. They should know better. Even if I don't have money I can always do something for Christmas. Luckly I have been preparing for Christmas since last year. Boy did they feel silly about giving me a hard time about that closet filled to the top with stuff. Well tomorrow I have to try to get to the post office. To send off some presents to the girls and to my kids.

My oldest told me he doesn't think I care about him anymore. Which really fucked my day up. He should know better. I went through hell for him. I don't expect him to understand now. But it would be nice to not get hostility when I try to tell him that I love him. It hurt alot. but I am sure that he feels I have hurt him more. Its hard for him to understand all the factors that go into making a decision like I had to do this January. It nearly killed me. If it had not been for Digi and Wolfman I would probably not be here today. I honestly thought my life was over. I couldn't lose anything else. I lost my family, my car, my home, my job. What was left for anyone to take but my life.

I know that time was like walking in a dream. I was on auto pilot. In a haze of pain, both mental and physical. Just trying to get through each day. Missing my children, morning my dreams, morning my love, morning my life. I know I put Digi through hell. I hate myself for it. I hurt him and mistreated him, and ignored all the signs of what he needed from me. I don't know why he stuck around. But I can't help but thank God that he did. I can't thank him enough for taking care of me for all those months. For giving me hope and love and attention when my attention was divided elsewhere. I hope that someday I can return the favor. That I can give him back even a portion of what he has given me. Show him even half the patience he has shown me. Give him even half the understanding when it comes to needing space and time.

As this year comes to a close. I find myself revaluating what it means to be who I am. Reevaluting what the people around me need from me. What my priorties are and if they are the right ones. Ill try to fill you in on what I decide. All I know is I have an emptyness that I need to figure out how to correct. Before I can do anything for anyone else.

With that let me say Merry Christmas to all of you. I hope santa brought you everything you asked for. I know no matter what I got what I wanted to spend time with the people I love and care about.

luv ya guys,
sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 8:51 PM