Life With Sulis

Something about the comming of a new year that gets you to thinking about your life. More people commit violent crimes and or suicide during this time of year then any other times of the year. The holidays get people thinking about their accomplishments and their family and for most of us our lives just don't stack up to what we want them to stack up to.

Knowing who I am I know that I will never be the person I want to be. That would make me perfect and well as they say their has only been one perfect person on this Earth and although my intials are JC I will never come close to that kind of divinity.

A year ago I was in a place in my life where I really wanted to kill myself. I didn't see my life ever getting any better. I was apart from my family and the people I love. My world was upside down and I was in a world of pain that I could not see going away. Well 4 surgeries, 7 hospital visits, and tons of medications later I am happy to say that my body is once again working on top form. No more kidney pain!!!! Yeah. I lost 85lbs last year and gained about 20 of it back. But I am starting to lose it agian. I went through 5 jobs until I found the one I really like.

I am a teacher and I love it. I work with high risk children and kids that are in cps custody. They require alot of work and are a challenge to motivate but the rewards are well worth it. I teach computers and art. I substitute for almost all subjects but especially for advanced math (read Calculus, trig., Algebra II) and science. Its a small charter school where I usually have at the most 15 kids in my class sometimes as low as 3 like my calc class.

I am a place in my relationships with others that I am trying to decide where to go from here. Who is worth the trouble to keep in my life?Who isn't? Who should I be with as a lover? Who should I be with as friends? Should I stay where I am? Should I move back to Arizona? Should I move somewhere completely different?

All I know is there is still something missing in my life. Well that being said. I am missing my children but this is more then that. Something my souls is waiting for. I don't know wheather its release or capture. Weather I am looking for someone or looking to let go of someone who shouldnt have a hold on me. I just don't know. The more I think about it the more frustrated and angry I get.

I want my life to be normal. I want to wake up in the morning with someone who I love completely whom I know loves me completley no reservations, no I'll love you if you do this or if you act like this, if you look like this. I want to be able to be a part of a family that cares about eachother and doesn't turn their backs on eachother. I want to not fight with the people I do love and get along with them. They all know that I love them but no matter how much space and no matter how accomidating I am to thier needs or requests I am still met with anger and hostilities.

I want to put behind me all the pain and anger of the last 7 years. Move on develop stronger different and more effective relationship with those who are part of who I am. The problem is, I just don't see that happening. I just don't see everyone working together. I just don't see everyone getting along. its been 2 years and I still can barely have a conversation with Tal without us fighting. I am trying to stop being angry. But the pain is their everyday. It prevents me from being the person I need to be. I prevents me from giving what I should to those around me. They see it and they are angry with me for that. Why should i waste so much of my energy on someone who doesn't deserver the expenditure. Chuckles their is that anger comming out again. Anyways. a few thousand counseling session later maybe I will get over it.

Guess I just have to get over the thought that life is supposed to be a fairtale. And I am supposed to be the Queen. I will settle for just functioning right now.

Well I have tons of work to do. email me if you need a 120gig hd.

hugs and kisses.
sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 10:46 AM