Life With Sulis

My reason for living- Phaze one Rebuilding: Unconditional is a term few of us understand. I was listening to some music trying to sort some things in my head. It comes down to this. I love certain people. Besides the usual family type people I have problably 6-8 people in my life that I love. I guess I should clarify what love means to me. It doesn't mean never having to say your sorry. It doesn't mean. I forget all the past. It does mean that I accept you for all your faults and weaknesses. I am here for you. I will do my best to lead you home when you need me to.

Until a few years ago noone had ever loved me the way I wanted, no needed to be loved. I didn't know what to do with it. I pushed it away. Protected my heart by forcing myself to only see this person as a friend. Everyone else knew the truth. Everyone else projected what they saw on us. To this day people assume that we have been together and sleeping with eachother for years. This just isn't the case. I'm very slow to realize things when it comes to love.

I have always been loved so fiercely that it was painfull. sufficating. Even today it is hard to look at the past and not feel the stifling feeling. I loved as best as I could but it was never enough. I gave everything I had to give but it was never enough. When I ran out of energy to give it was taken from me. (for the record I am not refering to one person here) I don't regret my past. It made me who I am. I like who I am. I regret my decisions. I regret not setting boundaries. I regret not speaking out before it was too late to save the world I so desperatly wanted to see.

I find myself caccooning myself away from everyone. I can't do that. Last night as I sat here watching tv with some friends I realized that I was searching for the answer to my question. I was searching for the direction to go. The truth is there is no right way to go. I just have to make decision and stick to it. It may hurt, it may be the wrong decision. But it has to be the best decision that I can make with the information before me today. Its all a girl can do...

Letting go of all my past fears and angers are not going to be easy. I know I am going to have to leave behind some people and force others into different rolls in my life. Some of them are not going to be happy in the place they find themselves. Others will be quiet pleased. I am sure I will make mistakes, I am sure I will end up hurting myself in some way. But I can't sit here anymore and hope that things will resolve themselves on their own.

You know who you are, you know what this means.
Barenaked ladies

I think
it's getting to the point where I can be myself again.
It's getting to the point where we have almost made
amends.
I think
its' the getting to the point that's the hardest part
If you call I will answer
and if you fall I will pick you up
and if you court this disaster I"ll point you home
I'll point you home
You think,
I only think about you when we're both in the same
room
I 'm only here to witness the remains of loving you
You think,
we're here to play a game of who loves more than
who
You think,
It's only fair to do what's best for you and you alone
You think,
It's only fair to do the same thing for me when your
not home
I think,
It's time to make this something that's more than only
fair.
I warning you, don't ever do
those crazy messed up things you do.
If you ever do, I promise you
I'll be the first to crucify you
it's time to prove that you came back here to rebuild?
Rebuild..

posted by digitalsulis @ 12:25 PM