I am a worrier and in my heart of hearts I need to know where the people I love are at all times. If they are late home even for a few moments my mind starts imparting all manners of horrible things that have happened to them. I remember being paralyzed with fear when I was pregnant with my daughter and married to Talent he was always home at 9:18pm every night. It was 9:30pm and I was just positive that he had been in a horrible accident and was lieing on the side of the road dieing. I called his mother (also a worrier) and we worried together. (this was before he had a cell phone- which btw he still never answers or listens to his messages (oh god don't get me started on his messages you should see his home phone))He found me on the floor in the kitcken crying at 9:45 sure I was a widow and wondering how I was going to raise our soon to be baby (number 2) on my own. He had just driven a friend of ours home from school because his car had broken down.
So you see I understand the compulsion to call and email , and leave notes on the front door. I am not ignoring your fears or worries I am simply cacooning right now. I am wrapping myself up in my familiar things. avoiding the outside world. To deal with the things I can. Too many raw emotions and too much physical things to deal with right now. I can't take on any more things. I love you all but right now I need all my energy for me and my kids. I don't have any to give. Just chating or talking on the phone once the highlight of my day now imparts too much drama into my life. I can't take all the things around me that I can't fix. I can't help with. Don't get me wrong, I will help with whatever I can. Give me a project to do like MrQ or Kimi and I can do that because it doesn't involve dealing with other people. I dont have to worry about weather I said the right thing to the tv to make it feel better, or if the website I went to or the zip file I made needs money or some item that I can not provide for it. I love you all too much that knowing that I can't help you hurts too much. I have too much pain to deal with as it is I just don't have the energy to take on yours too.
And then there is the fact that I am the patron saint of the lost cause. Some of you I love more than anything but you refuse to stop the same patterns and ideas that have put you in the pain you are in now. Despite all the examples I have given you over the years. Despite everything we have talked about. A few of you and the 4 of you know who you are, refuse to be helped. I can't take it any more. I can't help you and it hurts too much to see you hurt yourself over and over again. I still love you and in an emergency you know that I will be there for you but I just can't deal with you on an everyday basis anymore.
I am sorry people but I can only give what i have to give, i can't give more then that. No matter how much you might need it or want it. Weather its emotions, time, money, or things. I only have so much to go around and my family and I have to come first. They have no choice but to rely on me. You all are grown people, you can live without me for awhile, not matter how much my ego wants to think that you can't.
And to Talent and his motorcyclemomma, Thank you. You gave me hope that things might one day be Ok for our children. That someday we might be able to do this all the right way. You have no idea how much it ment to me.
One more thing... I got home today and was thinking about how little i actually have. Everything I own can fit into the trunk of a car. My house is furnished by handme downs and found items. I was feeling depresed about how bare it was and how little money I had to do the things I want to do with this wonderful blank canvas of a townhouse. Ill be posting some pictures soon. I was getting frustrated because I don't even have the money to buy the lumbar to make a entertainment center to house MrQ's Vcrs or the Dvd player. or to buy paint to decorate the rooms with. I sat their feeling sorry for myself. Then I came in my room and read my email and their was this wonderful email about a funeral:
My elderly cousin died Wednesday night. I went to her funeral
today. The church was packed. Everyone from teenagers to old people
were grieving. The funeral singers couldn't sing because of their
grief. The preacher got choked up talking about her and almost
couldn't go on. Everyone was talking about her many kindnesses, how
she helped so many people, touched so many lives--in spite of
various infirmities and having so little in the way of financial
resources. I kept remembering how I always felt so welcome when I
visited her in the house she shared with her sister, and how much I
was going to miss knowing that welcome and encouragement was always
there.
Then, her nephew got up to speak about her, and he mentioned that
when they'd gone into her little bedroom, you could pack up every
worldy possession she owned, and it would fit into the trunk of a
normal size car...with space left over.
And I thought--ahh, so that was part of her secret. She lavished her
time on all of us, instead of investing it in things.
Then I came home and read the Saturday flylady rant about our clutter
sucking the life out of us, and agreed with all my heart. I believe
there is a direct correlation between the clutter (of all kinds) in
our lives and the good, kind things we never have the time to do.
I have a goal now that reaches beyond the ocassional 27 fling boogie
(although that's a good start.) I'm wondering if it might be
possible even for a packrat like me, to come to the end of my life
with only enough possessions to fill the trunk of a car...but with a
church and community packed with people whose lives I've touched.
It made me think about everything I did have. Made me realize I had been cacooning and I owed you all an explanation of my actions. So understand this, its only temporary, give me some time to grieve, some time heal, some time to learn more about myself with out all the outside influences. Give me some time to grow, I am still here. I am not going anywhere. I love you all. Just give me a little room to deal with my growing pains and i will be back with you guys better then ever.
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