Life With Sulis

50/50 and other such fairy tales: I have been reading a book lately that has made me do alot of thinking about how and why I do things. The book is called Moments Together for Couples by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. I bought it a couple of years ago at the local Christian store when I was first thinking about leaving Talent, I was desperate and hoped that it would help me get our relationship back together, obviosely it didn't work. I guess, at the time. my thoughts about the subject where different because what I get from the book now is vastly different then what I look back and see then.

Well the subject I am gonna talk about today is something that was truly pivital in my life and decisions over the last few years. Its called the 50/50 plan. Its the plan we all think about when we get married. We think that our spouse is going to meet us half way in all things, take care of half the responsibilities and make half of the decisions. Make sense doesn't it? I mean there are two people and they should both work equally at the relationship.right? You do your part, I will do mine.

Now to start with, looking back I feel a little hypicritical because I have always seen myself as being someone who loved unconditionally. If I choose to love you, I loved you despite of yourself. But looking back that was not necessarily true. I mean I have always considered myself submissive to Talent. And in my heart I know that being submissive to your husband/man is the true and proper thing for me. I know that for me at least giving my all to my husband/man is the important part of who I am. I live to see that smile on his face, the sparkle in his eye when he looks at me. But like everyone, (except for maybe kimi, whom by the way has more then once been a true and living inspiration to me in times of trouble) I have not grown to the point that I can give and give without getting what I need back. As Dennis points out in his book:

Among the problems with "The 50/50 Plan" is that giving is based on merit and performance. We focus more on what the other person is giving then what we are doing. Love is withheld until the other person meets our expectations. Since this way of measuring out our love is subjective, the motivation for our actions is based mearly on how we feel

I don't know how much of my life I have spent being miserable because I refused to do the things that made me me for the simple reason that I didn't feel that Talent deserved what I was doing for him. Looking back I realize that it was not all his fault. That there where many many times that I should have given and not sat miserable to prove a point to him. For this I am truly sorry. It has taken me a long time to realize that love and relationships are not the fairy tales our loving families want us to believe they are. I hope that I have learned enough about myself to remember when faced with the feeling that I am doing way more then my partner, that sometimes it is just that way. And that I will learn "to deal" as kimi says with as much grace as she always does.

So I ask you today, do you live by "The 50/50 Plan" or do you live by "The 100/100 Plan"? Do you give your all to those you love at all times not just when they are giving you what you think you need at the time? Anyone have any suggestions on how to remind yourself to stick to "The 100/100 Plan"? Kimi had suggested writting down a list of all the things that your significant other does to make you happy in a journal, a sort of happiness journal. The journal allows you to look back when you are feeling over worked and see all the things you take for granted over the day. The little things our mates do for us to make us happy that we sometimes just don't see.

well more later love and kisses sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 9:15 AM