Life With Sulis

Times changingAs you know from my last post I have been doing a lot of soul searching with the help of my counselor and close friends. I need to say thank you to Coffeetester, Lex, Soul, BabyD, lostinNJ, JW, kat , and T. I apreciate you being there when I needed you. It has been a long struggle. Those of you who really know me know I have been trying to find my way for some time. My search has been across the board. From what I want to do with my life, my religion, my family, my parenting skills, my sexuality. Over the years I tried to find my way back to the road I knew I belonged on. The road that took me up and not down.

So I stand before you saying this is what I have found so far. Religion plays a big part in who I am. I am not any one religion. I am Christian in a fashion. I believe in Jesus and in what he taught. I believe what he taught for the most part was sound. But I also believe in man wiccan and pagan traditions. My power lies inside me, and around me. i will try to go more indepth into this subject at a later date. there is a Church of Sulis but its a little involved to go into right now. My beliefs ground me and guide my actions. They have steered me clear of Drugs and drew me to help people who maybe didn't necessarily deserver it.

My family is the most important thing in my life. I miss it. I miss everything about having my family intact. I know that my oldest is lost for now. He has his own soul searching to do. For now although he is making some stupid decisions he is still for the most part safe. I will only attempt to step in if things get way out of control. He is willful and needs to learn his lessons the hard way.I miss my sisters. Talking to MP and Princess has made me realize how stupid family spats are. I missed a huge part of their lives. Which brings me to the most important part I miss. my BG she is growing up so fast. She needs me and I can't do anything to help her. I miss her terribly. I want to hold her in my arms and hear her voice every morning. The time has come to lay down the kid gloves. enough time has passed. We all need to move on and grow up.

Which brings me to location. I moved to Texas in part to escape the termoil in Phoenix. I have tried to be as civil and understanding as I can be to everyone envolved. I have tried to put myself in their shoes and empathise with thier anger and mistrust. I have done my part. Kept the peace. For the BG and the baby and for mom and dad. I have stayed away to make things simplier. Less friction less drama. But I am not afraid anymore. I need my BG and she needs me. I have not been allowed to see her for a year and a half and that is more than long enough. Tal you know what the right thing to do is. You know me well enough after all these years to know that what you fear is just not real. I am the last person that would do those things. You know damn well I want what is best for my babies. Even in my darkest moments I choose the right thing to do over the fear inside me. That is why she is with you now. I choose my childrens right and need to spend time with all their family over my fear that they would never be returned. I know deep inside you know that what you are doing is wrong. You can be angry with me. That is OK! I probably deserve it. But don't damage your children to get back at me. I know you love them too much for that. Listen to your BG, she loves you and that will never change. You know I will never do what you have done to me this last year and a half. Even when I was most afraid and even when I had the most to lose I have always done my part. Please don't make feel like a fool for ever making the decision to have you in my life. I know somewhere long ago you where a man worthy of my love and afection. I know its still there. For everyone's sake think about it.

I got off on a tangent their. I ment to really say that I am thinking about moving back to Phoenix. Assuming that I can put together enough money and find a place to live and work there I should be there by summer. Its time I stopped being afraid. Its time I lived my life the way its supposed to be lived I have put off things long enough. Time to move on.Time to finish my school. Time to get a real freaking job. Time to settle down to what I do best. I am not saying I am never comming back to Texas. I love it here. But right now I think I have unfinished business in Pheonix. Time to heal some very old wounds. Time to grow up and take responsibility for my actions and for my beliefs. You all may see me crumble a few times. But I know now that I have a wonderful group of friends who have been through all of this with me. They have always stood up when I needed them to.

Oh one more thing. Digi hang in there. I know I have been a real bitch lately and things have been kinda chaotic but I swear that I am getting things straight in my head. It will work out. It may not be exactly what you thought but it will be the best thing for everyone involved. You have no idea how much it means to me that you have been beside me all this time. Even before you where MINE you where always right there to help me out when I needed it. Even when you where having your own problems. It means alot to me. I am sorry I dragged you into all this drama. But things will get better for you soon. I want you to know. I honestly believe I would not be here today writing this if you had not been there for me over the past 5 years as my friend and later as my SO. Especially through the dark months of December 2001 through March 2002 I honestly believe I would have let myself die rather than feel the pain emotional and physical I was going through at that time. You saved me you really have earned your wings.

posted by digitalsulis @ 4:59 PM