Life With Sulis

lots and lots of feeling here this subject brings out i wrote something about 6 months ago. I was feeling extemely alone and out of synched so anyone in my life who might feel threatened or injured by these words feel free not to read the following writting.

Hmmm Submission, service , love, hate, sex, family. All of these things are weighing on my mind right now. The last few days have been an almost constant reminder of my desire to serve.

Things in my life right now are so up in the air I don't know weather to laugh or cry. So i find myself doing both.

Anyways, about submission. I dream about it, feel it, the need is raw inside me. My everyday life requires me to be more Dominant then submissive and I think that is what is killing me right now. I have always choosed to work in service careers . I prefer to serve others, because thier pleasure is my happiness.

This has unfortunetly spilled over into my personal life. I allow people to walk on me all the time. On an unrelated note, I also crave Dominant personalities in my life. I guess I excrete this desire form my pores so men tend to automatically treat me in a submissive way. Even when they are not worth it. I usually find out that what they really are , are scared little boys that use thier size or their mouths to make themselves feel better by pulling and pushing everyone around them down.

All I want is a MAN in my life that is intelligent, loving, and Dominant. SOmeone who knows himself enough to know his own wants and needs. SOmeone I can put my heart, my soul, my turst into.I am not dillusional no man is perfect all the time, but I would like one whos percentage of doing things right is high and his fuck up percentage is low. They are truly hard to find.human nature being what it is. I want someone that I can not walk over, but who is always fair. takes my needs and wants into consideration and makes the wise choice. Someone whom I can feel proud to serve at his feet ***make him good at sex too and I will be in heaven****Proud to wear his mark or his collar. Someone who is alpha a man with honor I can feel.****side note please watch "A Knights Tale" for a fictional example of what true honor looks like. Their are few men around with convictions that strong anymore.*****

To wake up every morning knowing I am owned by an honroable man. To know I can trust his judgement in everything, because what he doesn't know about he researches to make the right decisions.Knowing his firm but gentle hand is guiding my life.

I also crave formalization, ritual, rules. Its the virgo in me that wants these things. When I am given a task I like to know what the expectations are for this task. So I know that when it is completed my owner will be pleased. His pleasure pleases me.

I do not like pain, in fact in such I am somewhat of a sissy. I know how to deal with pain becuase I have trained myself to do it but I DO NOT LIKE IT.I do however love the natural and raw emotion it brings out of most men. To know that I have taken satisfactorily anything he wants to give me makes me extremely happy. I guess I am sorta a freak because noone knows this but sometimes when I am trying to orgasm I will imagine being forced to submit, being forced to do things I normal would not do on my own. Being called words only someone who owns you heart and soul should ever speak to you.. The sensation will do the trick for me every time.

I guess I should be clear and I know that I will get flack from Sub/SLave purist for saying this. But the truth is I need to know that I am it. I don't want to share. People would say since I want to be submissive I must be lieing because a true sub would do what ever her master wants.Even if it means her master wants her to share his affections with someone else. There isa song out right now that goes something like he love me he loves you not. It talks about knowing that the one you love loves you so much that no matter what any other woman does he can not be lead astray. I used to have that feeling in my life. I used to feel that even with no chains attached I was loved soo much that my man was my man. I had no fear that any woman would take him from me. Not because they wouldnt try but because he didnt want anyone else but me. To me this is an essential part of my relationship.

Well i suppose that the guy I am looking for is probably right in front of my face. I just cant see him through all the stupidy life brings. Maybe I will never be happy in that way. ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

posted by digitalsulis @ 12:52 PM