Life With Sulis

Count Your Blessings:Happy New Years!!! Well its 8pm on december 31,2002 we are about to close a year out. I am home sitting her talking on the computer finishing up some auctions I was working on and answering emials. Digi and I are home alone. The baby went out with his friends to a barbeque and then he is going to spend the night at his friends house. They are going to watch fireworks. I just don't feel up to it. So I told him fine. He was so excited. He doesn't get to see this friend very much and he really enjoys spending time with him. I dont mind because i like it when he i happy.

I wish everyone was as easy to please as he is. There are tons of people around that no matter what I do I am at fault. It doesn't matter I am the bad guy. I try and try to be nice but it always backfires. Tnts lovely mother tweet chatted with me today. She is a wonderful woman and she basically had heard from kat what I was dealing with right now and she smiled and said well yeah you life seems like you have spent you entire existance between a rock and a hard space but think back and look at how many good things happened to you too. How many beautiful people who you have met because of the things that life has thrown your way. Look at all that you have learned. Yes, life may take away all your stuff. It may make things unbearable for a bit. but they can't take away what makes you you. They can't take away your experiences, your memories, your accomplishments. I sat here staring at my screen for a bit. thinking about that. when who should show up but kat.

She proceeded to tell me that I never listen to her. Which in a way is true. I am very hardheaded. you have to realize that my life has made it so i dont trust anybody but myself. Only one person so far in my life has been there for me 100% no matter what no reservations. So many people keep asking me why I am not with him. The answer is he is my best friend. Thats it thats all. Sometimes that is more important then a boyfriend or lover. There has been time when he has sat there while i was shaking I was so frustrated and angry and scared. Hours that he has held my hand while we talked. That means alot to me. I hope this make sense to yall. I love him so much I wouldnt want to ruin it by pushing that boundary. I like that tension there. I like the mystery.

anyways the reason why I mentioned this is because I really don't give him enough credit for all he does. He has helped me stay afloat many many times in the past. To his great personal sacrifice. He has gone way out of his way for me. and I appreciate that.

That being said I want to thank Digi for everything this last year. I know that you think that I really don't appreciate you. That I think you are incapable to doing things yourself. That is not true. I find myself tell you things despite the fact that I know it isnt necessary. And being the people that we are we end up butting heads. It has been a wierd year. With tons of ups and downs. But I think that you have given me sooo much . So much that noone can take away from me. This year I watched you fall to your knees at my feet in the pouring rain. gently place a piece of cold metal across my shoulder to tell me that you where there for me. Heard from the nurses about you sitting up all night holding my hand while I was in the hospital never leaving my side even for a moment unless i was in the operating room or xrays. struggle to get control of things you had no control over. push yourself to keep going. I have watch you fight with all the little gremlins that both of our families have. You have fought them vilantly at times. at others you looked for me for help i only hope I at least helped a little. There are so many things you have done this year and in the past that you got no recognition for. i can be a bitch. I can forget the little things I really need that you need to. The thank yous. the hugs the kisses.

No matter what happens this comming year. Know in your heart that no matter how destracted I have been with other issues. No matter how badly I have treated you. No matter how poorly I have provided you with what you where needing from me. I do love you and I do care for you. My ghost have held me back from giving to you what you deserve. They may tear me from you completly but know that in my heart you are there. Someday I will be ready to deal with those deamons. Someday soon. One step at a time. Just know That I alwasy ment for you to feel it. i am so sorry for not doing a better job of things. I hope that in the future you will be proud of me. Even though you are younger then I you have shown me so many things. Opened my eyes to issues and dreams I never knew i had. Thank you for everything. I wish you a beautiful new year.

To everyone else. Look at the people around you and really consider if you are giving them everything you have to give them. If everyone started appreciateing everyone else and started giving of themselves more things would be so much nicer on this planet we all share. I wish everyone a very Happy New Year. Make it the best yet, Count your blessings and hold tight to those you love.

sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 6:27 PM