Life With Sulis

Somewhere I belong: I heard this song today I think I posted it awhile back but I need to revisit it once again. Spoke to my counselor today. He asked me if I thought I might need an antidepressent. I was like hell no. I can't hide from this. What I am feeling is me good or bad take it or leave it. I have spent my whole like searching for somewhere I belong. Someplace where I felt "GOT" I have done outragous things to accomplish those means.

Warning some people might want to stop reading here because they may not want to hear what I have to say next.

Have you ever been going along your day and something just boom makes sense all of a sudden. You just couldn't get your head around it and then all of a sudden it makes perfect sense. Today was one of those days. I grabbed some friends and started asking them questions. I wanted to know who I was. I'm not who I think I am. 14 years ago I made a conscious decision to change my life. I decided to go from being who I was to be someone who was a person whos biggest accomplishments and aspirations where to have dinner on the table at 6pm every night.

Before you get all up in arms about that. There is nothing wrong with have a schedule or cooking. There is nothing wrong with be domestic. But for me its like putting a butterfly in a box. Yeah its beautiful but noone gets to see it and eventually it dies.
I wanted so bad to be that person for the person who loved me. He made me feel special and totally loved and for that I wanted to be whatever made him happy. Whatever I had to do to belong.

But I never did find my home. Eventually I beat my wings against the box so hard the owner of the box held on to my wings to keep me from flying away rubbing off the stuff that lets you fly. Realizing I was forever stuck i laid there dispondent. The boxes owner lost interest and didn't treat me like his prized possession. The cycle went on and on. Eventually the reason for being the way I was didn't make any sense.

I was miserable because I didn't know what kind of butter fly I was. I had lost my drive and my will. I lost my DREAMS. When I was young my grandpa called me ms contrarey Becuase i questioned everything and always did whatever hit my fancy. Even when everyone told me I couldnt do it. Weather that was bringing my son to school, lettering in sports, excelling in leadership, or any of a number of accomplishments I have had over those years. I seized my day. I fought for what I believed in. For while there Nothing could stop me. I gave it all up to have the security of that box. Once i had it it didn't feel secure it felt stifling.

eventually It got so bad even I couldnt ignore it anymore. SO i left. For awhile I found the place I belonged. But i kept looking over my shoulder for that butterfly net. wondeing when it was going to snatch me out of the sky. So today, I realized that I need to stop being the caged butterfly and start being me. I need to face my fears. I need to realize that there is always some truth in the words spoken in anger. I am self centered. I am egotistical. It is what used to make me great. It is what used to draw everyone to me.

So these last 2 weeks I have been thinking and thinking about my being selfish by wanting things a certain way. Maybe with a little more counseling I will find the answer to all this. In the meantime I am working on bringing back my life. Finding a useful way to keep my dreams and stay true to my present. Once I have room to spread my wings my beauty will come back out. Thanks in advace to the patience. love ya all sulis
LINKIN PARK LYRICS

"Somewhere I Belong"

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find/
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Repeat Chorus]

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

[Repeat Chorus]

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

posted by digitalsulis @ 4:37 AM