Life With Sulis

A Compliment of Sorts:
A few weeks ago a very close friend who has known me for several years paid me a compliment. I didn't really see the significance of the statement until yesterday. This friend has seen me go through alot in the past few years and has watched me to see how I reacted to this and that. And being that he is a professional writter he really notices alot of things most people don't. Well he sat me down and told me that he admired me because through all the strife and all the drama I always kept my head for the most part and my morals and standards never changed or waivered. He said "you are comfortable in your own skin" something few people are. The truth is I live my life in such a way that if a camera or a reporter where to bother to follow me everyhere and broadcast my life I would not feel I needed to hide anything. That is not to say I don't make mistakes. That would be arragont of me and completely stupid to say. I make tons of mistakes some of which I am not proud of but they are who I am. Who I am is a combinations of my mistakes and my victories. I learn from my mistakes and try not to make them again. Hey I am not saying I never make the same mistake twice. Fuck I am notorious for makeing the same mistake 10-15 or more times until it finally sinks into my thick skull. But that being said I know what I want for the most part. I know what I believe. And I know how I want to treat others.

A quirk of my nature is that I have a few people in my life that I LOVE. Not all of them deserve any attention or love from me or anyone for that matter. But for me when that relationship is created I give that person a portion of who I am. They become part of me and as such no matter what they do I will still love them. that is not to say I will be in love with them but I will love them. They will forever be a piece of my family. As Lex says my "Family of Choice" It hurts me greatly when these family members deliberetly set to hurt me. or try to find something to pick at. You would think because I am very consistant about how act and they have known me for so long they would know better then to think that I would do anything deliberatly mean or disrespectful to anyone in the family. They would know that my position is to provide a medium for peace. I want everyone to get along and work together. So everyone can be happy. Not one person or the other but everyone.

My little tizzy the other day about not being everyones whipping boy while I am sure there are a few people who will feel they are being pointed at by me it was truly my family here in Texas that I was directing that statement to. I want the record to state that I have at no time and will at no time ever try to make someone love me more then they love someone else. cept maybe Digital (giggles but we will see about that)I leave my door open to everyone when they are in need. I am sorry that you feel threatened by that or by how much your children love me. By your actions you are forcing them away from you and to me. They want to know that you love them UNCONDITIONALLY. Not if they are good not if they do what you want them to do but all the time. That you will not turn your back on them or send them away. That is what love is about. Knowing that noone is perfect and accepting the imperfections of those around you. Knowing that they may hurt you they may turn away but that your love is still there. You are not saying its ok to do stupid things just that if you do stupid things I will help you work your way out of them and I will still care for you. Its not that hard. All mothers should feel this for their children. All families should feel this for their members.

I am sure that there are alot of you who disagree with this but It is my life value. How I gage my sucesses and failures. Not by what everyone else wants but if I have lived up to my own standards. I love you mom you know that. Everything will work out with the girls. Relax and try not to go overboard so much. All they want and need is your love and understanding.

If you who know me and think that I am crazy or stupid think hard about this. In all the time I have known you It is I who has remained constant. Who has shown respect and restraint through almost every sling and arrow thrown my way. It is I who remained constant and yall who have shifted your actions become irational or out right attempted to hurt me. It is not in my to be mean or hurtful but I will protect myself and those I love as best I can within the context of peace. Take a good look and realize what yall are doing. hurts doesn't it.

There is more but I think I will wait and add that as part 2 to this later. Till then hugz sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 7:32 AM