Life With Sulis

The Hard Truth: In the past I always saw myself as this person who was buffeted from one problem to another by some unseen hand that trys to squash me. I couldn't understand how people I went out of my way to be nice to would be assholes or jerks to me. The other night while innocently talked with babyd and poma it came to my attention that people constantly read intentions into my actions. It cracks me up because they assume that I actually plan this shit out. That I intentionally do wierd things to freak people out or perform some agenda only they know.

Some good examples of where my philosophy is at odds with how people see me. I HATE conflict. I will go WAY out of my way to avoid it. I have had too much of it in my lifetime and don't really care to have too much more of it. So I always try to find some other way out of a conflict other then face to face argueing. People take this that I don't care about the subjects that are being argued about. It couldn't be futher from the truth.

Same with EX's and their girlfriends. Everyone expects me to be a bitch. It is just not my nature to do the things that everyone thinks I should be doing. Last Christmas I freaked Tal's girlfriend out by sending her a christmas present. I had no intentions of freaking her out. I just feel that she lived in the house my duaghter did and I was sending Christmas presents there and I can't imagine how rude it is to get all these packages for my duaghter and Tal, when her son and she got nothing. So I made sure everyone in the house got something. Something I thought they would like. Granted I didn't know them very well. But none the less. I thought I was doing a nice thing to make the holiday's a little nicer for everyone. After all at that time I had nothing against her. As far as I knew she was good to my duaghter and her son was her friend. It wasn't afterall their fault that Tal and I where not getting along. Aparently, what I did was "CREEPY".

So, I am not sure how to change this. Apparently everyone seems to know what I am thinking even when I don't know myself. Assumption is such a nasty thing. How do I act so people don't read shit into my actions that just are not there? What exactly am I doing that makes people think that I am schemeing in some way?

I look back at things I do and think to myself that yeah I could see why people would be suspicious of why I did this or that. But I never did them with the intentions that people ascribe to them. I would have to change my whole outlook on life. My whole bend of life to accomidate them. How do I change that thing that makes me me. I am naturally quick to react and I react in a way that I feel will benefit everyone involved. Like Poma said sometimes the people involved are just not ready to have that particular problem solved. Some people like to wallow in the misery for awhile. Some people need to make mistakes on their own. Sometimes I have to sit back and watch the people I love self destruct and hurt themselves and others and do nothing about it. This is a hard lesson to learn.

The world doesn't apreciate win - win situations. The world really doesn't apreciate mediators. I honestly don't know where my place in the world is now. When everything I do by nature is considered devious and creepy.

posted by digitalsulis @ 12:29 AM