Life With Sulis

Holding Back the Waves: I recieved a wake up call today that helped me see something that my counselor and I have been working on for over 2 years. Someone I love ws able to explain to me why I do the things that I do. And why I meet such resistance from the people around me. I wanted to cry as she was talking to me. Listening to her words and realizing how my actions have effected my world. Realizing how my own fears and my own way of seeing the world has conspired to make my life miserable at times.

I sit her trying to imagine not trying to hold back the next wave. Trying to force the world around me to conform to what I want it or need it to be. Trying to work my way around the thought that somethings are just not in my control. I can't control what other people think or do. I can't control time. I can't completly control who has to come in and out of my life. No matter how much I want it to be different something are just ment to be.

So I am trying to finder the greater good. The higher power here. To let go of some of the control I have held on to for so long. The false control. Learn to keep quiet. Learn to let people find their way in their own time. For me that is not an easy thing to do. I know it is arrogent of me to assume this but I see a bigger picture out there. I see where people should fit. But I have to realize that sometimes people are not ready to fit into that roll. SOmetimes for them to really do good they have to learn on their own where their little piece of the puzzle fits.

Learning to let go is not going to be easy. My life and the lives of those around me have been a mire of turmoil and disease since I was too young to remember. Alcohol, drugs, Anger, Control, Lust. I have spent my life trying to run cosmic damage control. Trying to make things right again. I have to realize that sometimes I just can't do that. Sometimes I have to realize that it is just fucked up. Controlling the damage doesn't allow those around me to experience the natural consequences of their actions or words.

So I will have to remember to not sweat the things I have no control over. Because I have no control. And not sweat the stuff I do because I am fully capable of handling anything I am ment to handle. Simple huh? NOT!

Well back to life here. Thanks to those who let me be who I am without judging me to harshly. Regardless of how things might appear my only ulterior motive is peace and prosperity for everyone around me.

posted by digitalsulis @ 12:20 PM