Life With Sulis

The Illusion of Strength: Around me is this illusion of strength. People look at me and think how strong I am how well I have handled adversity. It's all a lie. I am a pretender. Like the tv show. Able to use my brain to convince myself and others that i can do what needs to be done. I can convince myself to be anything I need myself to be at any given time. Over the years it has served me well. Allowed me to do things and experience things I never would have experienced if I had not pretended to have self confidence. If I had not convinced myself not to listen to the people I knew where talking behind my back. So today I sit here. Trying to focus on what I need to accomplish. Trying to focus on what must be done.

I pretend in my mind that I have been given a task to complete. I write down the list obsessively checking to make sure I haven't forgotten anything. The list are long and complicated and you look at them and think she will never get that done. But I think to myself. I have no choice. I must do this because the unseen master of my destiny requires it of me. I often replace this unseen entity with a real voice a real person who i can channel my mania into. In my head I hear do it right for him. Do it right or he will be mad. Do it right so he will be proud of you. This need to please focuses all my energies and emotions into doing those things I really don't want to do.

I am like a kid with the magic spray bottle of under the bed gremlin repelent. Using my illusion to stop the fear that paralyses me. Using my illusion to make the impossible seem more possible. Using me illusion to find some peace. But in the end its all an illusion.

I do what needs to be done because it needs to be done and noone is going to do it for me. I focus becuase there are other people who rely on me to be focused. I am not strong. just not willing to allow myself to wonder all the way down the road of self pity and low self esteem. When I see myself go down that road. I pretend to be what I am not feeling at the moment. Just like the studies that show that pretending to smile. Will eventually truely make you feel happier. So pretending to be strong will eventually result in you being stronger.

posted by digitalsulis @ 6:18 PM