Friday, January 18, 2002

hmmmmm still not up to snuff but feeling better and that is a good thing. Able to think a little clearer now that I have had some time to assimilate everything. Pissed and sad all at the same time. How do people who say that they love you NOT know you at all. Apparently to some love is something that is easily given and traded away. It is too bad. I had hoped for better things but then again I am the eternal optimist and as such am often saddened when my dreams are shattered by the reality of life. So for those of you out there who know for which I speak. Know this: To my friends, my true friends I can count among you only a small handful. You have stood by my side through everything you give me faith to continue through my deep pain. You are all my inspiration that there are people out there who truly understand what it means to LOVE someone. To the males in my life. Either love me for who I am or shove the fuck off. I dont want to hear any more of your hypicritical bullshit. I have loved you all to the best anyone can with the way you treat people. I have tried by my love to show you that there are other ways to be. You are steadfast in your resolution to be assholes and in this I must accept. I love you all still and will be there if you fall for to me LOVE is not something I can trade away or easily extinguish. As to the Mothers. NO I am not pregnant. I have a kidney problem which I am dealing with. Babies require a complication called sex which is not a variable avialable to that equation. Your total lack of respect for me and your total lack of knowledge of who I am upsets me more then anything I can say. I konw that someday you will all understand and then it will be too late to undue the past injustices. But in this I am content as I know that I am never given more to deal with then I can handle. Too anyone who wishes to remain apart of my life understand that to be included back into my family you must leave the drama behind you. I want to taste it no more on my lips. It is bitter and makes my stomach sore to taste it. All the same, you are welcome to be here for I am ever forgiving IF the lesson be learned. Do not mistake my acceptance of your inequity as acceptance of your behavior in the past, now or in the future. I expect more from all of you.

my song for today is I dreamed a dream from Les Miserables
There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

night for now love ya sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 10:36 PM 0 comments