Sunday, January 29, 2006

Waiting for prince charming. eating the rotting apple

Thinking about getting a upgrade on my lj account and probably my blogger account as I am crossposting over there. I forgot how much writting helps. Once i get my laptop I will be able to post from anywhere. I can't wait. I love being mobile. Friday night Babyd and I where talking about traveling. We both harbor this love of traveling. Exploring new places and new experiences. We talked about how cool it would be to sail around the world. God I would love to do that. Babyd could do it. He has the resources and the time and no attachments. I would miss him terribly if he wasn't around. Part of my sanity and my heart would go with him but he needs to be happy.

Sometimes I wonder if i should let them both fly away. maybe somehow i am holding them back from growing or something. I mean they are both such old souls. Half the time I think they are older then I am. ::deep sigh:: just feeling a little lost right now. What I want and what I am going to get are too desperately different things. Why can't I have it all? WHY?????? I deserve to have love and friendship and sex and adventure and stability and and and...

I have all kinds of friends who i know love me. but its not the same. Its not what i yearn for in my soul. Course finding someone who can give me the attention and affection I want but will also give me my space and not be jealous is going to be heard. Finding someone who also likes video games and sports and travel and is intelligent and sensitive. Is there such a guy out there. Who also can be true to me, (i am not against outside sex persay but I have to know that his heart is mine that I am #1, that he thinks of my well being and happiness before anyone else's, and i have to know and be involved, lieing doesn't work for me)Who wants to treat me like a princess but know that sometimes i need to do things on my own.Who allows me to serve and enhance him but doesn't take my gifts or my work for granted. Who is willing to work with me to make the life we both want. Who understands that i have bad days and sometimes weeks and will encourage me out of them. Who will push me to do everything I strive to do in my soul. Who understands that I won't alway be perfect or beautiful or sexy that sometimes I am bitchy, sick, and scatterbrained and thats ok? Someone I can believe loves me and will be by my side through it all with out running away at the first sign of trouble.

I can move mountains with the right motivation, but its so hard to not feel stiffled or taken for granted sometimes.

HOW DO I FIND THIS GUY? Is this just a pipe dream? Are there no such men in this world?

Maybe I am asking too much. I am not a ELLE girl, I am not rich, I am not skinny, I am just me SULIS the gorgous, smart, sexy, loving goddess of healing. Maybe i should just be happy with what i have. But i can't help but feel like something vital is missing in my life. I feel sooo alone sometimes.

posted by digitalsulis @ 8:39 AM 0 comments