HMMMM who suggested the elbow piercing. If you want to say something about my priorities feel free to name yourself. Very few people have the right to question them.

posted by digitalsulis @ 12:57 PM 0 comments

lots and lots of feeling here this subject brings out i wrote something about 6 months ago. I was feeling extemely alone and out of synched so anyone in my life who might feel threatened or injured by these words feel free not to read the following writting.

Hmmm Submission, service , love, hate, sex, family. All of these things are weighing on my mind right now. The last few days have been an almost constant reminder of my desire to serve.

Things in my life right now are so up in the air I don't know weather to laugh or cry. So i find myself doing both.

Anyways, about submission. I dream about it, feel it, the need is raw inside me. My everyday life requires me to be more Dominant then submissive and I think that is what is killing me right now. I have always choosed to work in service careers . I prefer to serve others, because thier pleasure is my happiness.

This has unfortunetly spilled over into my personal life. I allow people to walk on me all the time. On an unrelated note, I also crave Dominant personalities in my life. I guess I excrete this desire form my pores so men tend to automatically treat me in a submissive way. Even when they are not worth it. I usually find out that what they really are , are scared little boys that use thier size or their mouths to make themselves feel better by pulling and pushing everyone around them down.

All I want is a MAN in my life that is intelligent, loving, and Dominant. SOmeone who knows himself enough to know his own wants and needs. SOmeone I can put my heart, my soul, my turst into.I am not dillusional no man is perfect all the time, but I would like one whos percentage of doing things right is high and his fuck up percentage is low. They are truly hard to find.human nature being what it is. I want someone that I can not walk over, but who is always fair. takes my needs and wants into consideration and makes the wise choice. Someone whom I can feel proud to serve at his feet ***make him good at sex too and I will be in heaven****Proud to wear his mark or his collar. Someone who is alpha a man with honor I can feel.****side note please watch "A Knights Tale" for a fictional example of what true honor looks like. Their are few men around with convictions that strong anymore.*****

To wake up every morning knowing I am owned by an honroable man. To know I can trust his judgement in everything, because what he doesn't know about he researches to make the right decisions.Knowing his firm but gentle hand is guiding my life.

I also crave formalization, ritual, rules. Its the virgo in me that wants these things. When I am given a task I like to know what the expectations are for this task. So I know that when it is completed my owner will be pleased. His pleasure pleases me.

I do not like pain, in fact in such I am somewhat of a sissy. I know how to deal with pain becuase I have trained myself to do it but I DO NOT LIKE IT.I do however love the natural and raw emotion it brings out of most men. To know that I have taken satisfactorily anything he wants to give me makes me extremely happy. I guess I am sorta a freak because noone knows this but sometimes when I am trying to orgasm I will imagine being forced to submit, being forced to do things I normal would not do on my own. Being called words only someone who owns you heart and soul should ever speak to you.. The sensation will do the trick for me every time.

I guess I should be clear and I know that I will get flack from Sub/SLave purist for saying this. But the truth is I need to know that I am it. I don't want to share. People would say since I want to be submissive I must be lieing because a true sub would do what ever her master wants.Even if it means her master wants her to share his affections with someone else. There isa song out right now that goes something like he love me he loves you not. It talks about knowing that the one you love loves you so much that no matter what any other woman does he can not be lead astray. I used to have that feeling in my life. I used to feel that even with no chains attached I was loved soo much that my man was my man. I had no fear that any woman would take him from me. Not because they wouldnt try but because he didnt want anyone else but me. To me this is an essential part of my relationship.

Well i suppose that the guy I am looking for is probably right in front of my face. I just cant see him through all the stupidy life brings. Maybe I will never be happy in that way. ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

posted by digitalsulis @ 12:52 PM 0 comments

sulis ~

Just sitting here at work, trying to find something to occupy my mind, when i started thinking about how the relationship [He] and i have is similar to D/s relationships... very alike, yes, i know. Was thinking about the fights W/we've been getting into and what role i slip into when i finally take the initiative to back down. Here's where this thought is leading to:

How effective do you think it would be to bring discipline into the relationship? On one hand, i don't think [He] would like it too much that He has to 'discipline' me for something that i should already/innately know/do. OK, that's great when i KNOW what i should be doing AND agree with it... but what happens when those two don't coincide?? We get into a huge argument. He get's angry at me. I get hurt and/or pissed. Our day is ruined... yada yada yada.

How do you think our relationship would differ if we made it more D/s based, with more emphasis on discipline? I'd like to start testing and reinforcing submissive behaviors, because i know backing down is one of my biggest weaknesses. I want to explore the 'deeper' submission that i have heard so many other subs talk about.

I really think [He] could get into it if it were presented right. i want to be able to show a deeper conviction to Him, at the most difficult times. At this point, i can't even seem to do it when all is peachy.... that's not necessarily true, but during any little discussion we have, i push it too far because i can't just drop it or back down.

i am working on keeping my mouth shut, writing things down, and going over them later... but it's not 100% fool-proof, so we are still getting into slightly heated discussions. i was hoping that maybe discipline would work as a double catch. i don't keep my mouth shut, i get punished. Makes perfectly good sense to me.. doesn't mean that what was needed to be said will remain stuffed... it just means that not only will i have to write something down, i will also be punished for not doing it sooner. Do you see where i'm going with this?

[He], however, contradicts Himself plenty when it comes to my role. He was raised around very submissive women, so He expects the same from me. The thing that is different is that they were brutally beaten into that submission. I call them mindless bitches because i doubt thoughts other than their Husband/Boyfriend's ever crossed their minds. They do not have self... they are property. [He] expects behaviors from me that are derived from the fundamentals of the mindset of property, but has a phobia about it at the same time. He loves it, but would hate for anyone that He loves to be treated like that... although, the habits and mannerisms of those women are what He wants... w/o the mindless part... Make sense? Frustrating yet? Confusing at times? HELL YES!!

Any piece of advise or insight would be helpful.

BTW: i'll be doing some out-loud relationship work on blogger if you'd like to follow what is going on.

posted by digitalsulis @ 12:25 AM 0 comments

Morning everybody, as you see I have been trying to post more. I have been getting up a little earlier just to say what I need to say. In effect it is a sorta therapy for me. Helping me to deal with thing I really have no control over.


Glad to see you back KD I worry when we don't hear from you for awhile. But that is just me. I worry about everything. DarkSir, the kids and you are doing well. Are you ready for the move yet? Call If you need anything. Or email me if that is easier Sv-Tv@home.com.


I am anxiously awaiting the pics and story from the la trip on girl2. Loved the pic on GabbyMoes Gossip Gazette. I didn't realize Stef was the same size as the girls. God I wish I could have been there. It would be nice to meet in person people I have spoken to countless times. Oh well.another time maybe.

Hehehehe I currupted another person. I taught my dad the joys of voice chatting on yahoo. He called me 3 times last night. That is more then he has in the last month. I miss my daddy terribly, but on the bright side my mom and I seem to be getting along better. We can talk at least civillaly. This in case you didn't know is a huge change, My mom and I have not spoken in almost 10 years until about 2 months ago. Now I talk to here about once a week. I guess 10 years of praying every day does help eventually. But this is neither here nor there.

Well, I need to start my day. Talk to yo'all soon. hugs and kisses sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 7:47 AM 0 comments

Body modifications. I thought i would share with you a very cool article about the church of body modifications. Check out the picture of the girl on the front cover of the newspaper then read the article here. It interesting to me because my annual quest for body modification is comming up soon. I am debating currently what it is I should do this year. So I am gonna let you guys help me decide. Now my body is not trim enough yet to allow me to get outer labia piercing that are gonna look the way I want them to. So my choices are gonna be tattoo ( i dont have a picture here because I am not sure yet what I really want), nipple piercings, belly piercing, or the tragus.


I want to also say if you are ever in Chicago check out my friend Paul's place. He is a great guy and an excellent tattoo artist. Even had a hand in tattooing Enigma.

So there is my delema. Vote and we shall see.

hugs and kisses, sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 9:02 AM 0 comments

Reposted as requested

Soulhuntre: core dumpwell this is try number two. this probably wont be nearly as elequent as the first try but i lost it.

Anyway, Reading Souls blog made me think back to how it was that I began talking to kimi, Soul, Flagg and eventually tats and zoe. It all started because Talent brought me into a brand new chat room one night. It was the first or second night of kimiko-dreams it was somewhere around my birthday I think but it has been so long I really don't remember. I met a lot of really neat people in the chat room. The most striking of which was Kimi. I spent the next few days going over ever inch of her site. Her bio and writtings made me feel safe around her. Almost as if I had met something of a kindrid spirit. She was friendly and easy to talk to. Back then she chatted and smiled and played alot more then she does now. My computer still holds memories of those days. Pictures of a smiling kimi sticking her tongue out at the camera, dancing with a body pillow, etc. She was extremely full of life, and sooooo obviously proud of being owned by Soulhuntre.

I found myself saying things to kimi that I never admitted to anyone even myself. My dad had brought me up to believe that the world is my oyster. I could have anything I was willing to work for. He also taught me that Woman should be independent and not overly subservent to men. Don't get me wrong my dad is a red neck and as such believes that woman should do certain, "wifey duties" but for the most part he felt that I needed to break the cycle and be the one calling the shots. This has never worked for me. For as hard as I might try to be Dominant(and I can when I need to be for business purposes or to protect myself)it is not natural to me. The more we talked the more I realized that I hated myself because I felt I was weak for wanting to serve.

Kimi gave me something I can not thank her enough for. She gave me knowledge, she showed me that I was not alone in my feelings of conflict. I had never even discussed the poly relationship I lived in with anyone. It was just a fact of my life and something I would never talk about for fear of people hating me or thinking I was sick. In kimi I found someone who understood how hard it was to be the one not getting the attention. Many of night kimi has sat up chatting with me so I didn't have to think about what was going on in the other room. I knew it was only fair for kat to also get her time but being human I still felt the pangs of jelousy. I hope that kimi felt she could talk to me and that at some level I was some comfort to her also.

That brings us to Soulhuntre. I knew very little of him other then what kimi spoke of. He seemed like a mean, evil human being to me at the time. I will not lie here, when I first knew of Soul I hated him. I hated him for making kimi cry, I hated him for hurting her in any way, I just hated him. I thought him evil in its purist form. I am sad to say I have at one time been one of those people who really really wanted to "rescue" kimi from him. (for the record I know that kimi is an intelligent woman who has made a decision to be with a man that she honors and does not in any way need "saving" of any kind)

So whenever I find a problem in something my instinct is to research it. So I plunged myself into learning as much as possible about this man they called Soulhuntre. Hopeing that I don't sound like a stalker I read everything I could find on him. I found out his real name and cross refrenced it with everything. I found out that he was extremely intelligent, especially about computers. Way way above my head. That lead to reading the BDSM listservs. Frankly some of what both he and his friend Flagg had to say scared the hell out of me. It was so contrary to what I had been taught was OK. But I found myself agreeing more and more with what they had to say. The more I learned about him the more respect I had for him. He rarely wavered from his point. He made a decision about something and stood by it. You could go back and look at his comments from years before and if you asked him the same questions there was a 99% chance he would answer it the same way. I guess the word here would be CONSITANT.

Consitancy is not one of my strong points, probably why I look for it so strongly in Dominant. I guess I hope it will be ingrained in me by them eventually. Now getting back to what I was saying, the more I read about this Soulhuntre the more I respected him. I may not have agreed with everything he said or did but I had and do have extreme respect for him. To the point of which that I come to judge people by him. If Soul considered someone a friend then that person should be a decent person to know. About this time Soul, Flagg, and the ever elusive SirC, began publicly talking about their project "The estate."This if you don't know is a training program for submissives.

I researched the site, read articles the three of them wrote about it and found myself thinking more and more about things they would say in these articles. I started writting down questions left and right until finally I worked up the courage to talk to kimi about wether I should ask these questions to them. She told me to go for it, and for some time I began asking tons of questions to both Soul and Flagg.I even asked for Flagg to mentor me since I knew I did not have the means to get to New York. They agreed and for as short as the time was Flagg gave me a lot of insight into what exactly where my weaknesses and what I could do to fix them. I still have most of the email just to go back to when I am feeling particularly weak. I eventaully had to respectfully ask Flagg to discontinue mentoring me as I felt my current situation would not allow me to give his time and effort the fullest respect it deserved.

So that is why when I read Souls blog today it moved me to write. The songs/poems on the side of his blog today are incredible. I am a huge lyric person and music to me is the stuff of life. The words to go with the dance of life. You will often find me putting a lyric down on my blogger when i can't put my feelings into words but the song does it for me. I tell people who have ever listened to my radio station that if you listen carefully to what I am listening to you will know everything you need to know about what I am thinking and feeling.

Three things struck me very abrubtly when I read them and maybe he can clarify exactly what he ment The people who might be the focus of those desires simply do not want to be on the receiving end of them.and I am filled with the desire to play and act and scene usually when someone is simply thrilled to be there for me. The feeling of availability - of willingness is what I get off on most. That is my main trigger. and The thing is - I like being worshipped and adored. I like being called "Sir" and "My Lord". I like it when it isn't just a word that's hot. It should mean something - it should be real. It should be true. You see I see it like this. Soul has woman around him that will do willingly just about anything his little heart desires. Yes, their eyes may well up with tears and their bodies my tremble with fear. For the beast within is more then most women want to ever come across.(For the record most normal intelligent males have this highly aggressive testosterone driven side to them some just fear it more then others and do anything they can to hide it)But they are willing because they do worship you. The fear is always there. There are tons of thing I am afraid of that I do not Want of my own will to do, but for the right Dom will willingly endure because by my eduring the fear and pain for him I am giving him pleasure and in pleasing him I am empowered. I feel the pride that I was able to conquer my fears and bear the pain. IF he stops doing those things that make bring him pleasure because he is afraid of my response, my fear or my pain then I have somehow failed him. That is a hard thing I believe for any submissive to deal with if they truly worship and adore and respect their owner. I believe Kimiko and tatsumi(although technically she is not "owned")feel that way. I am not speaking for them I am just conjecturing based on comments they both have made in the past.

I have lived my life in fear that others would find out who I really was and hate me for it. Until recently I never felt comfortable even in my own skin. It has been a long hard road and I know I have made decisions that have hurt others in this process. It is not intentional it is just what it is. I still have a long way to go before I truly if ever feel comforable just letting people know exactly who I really am but I am on my way.

Lastly, I am right with you on the Sir thing. I have been kicked out of many a bdsm d/s chat room because I feel very strongly that being honorifics you earn being called Sir, or Master, or My Lord... fill in your favorite honorific here. For the record Soul and Flagg are 2 of only 4 people I have ever felt deserved the title Sir. Soul I hope that you know that there are alot of people who do respect you, and wish you ever good thing this world can give you. We thank you for allowing us to see past the "owner" to the Ken. I am sooo looking forward to reading your writting on the estate.

Well I guess i gushed enough hugs and kisses to everyone, love sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 6:18 PM 0 comments

Thanks for the advise the other day, sulis... it is actually working out pretty well. There is still a lot more discipline involved than first thought, but it is definately for the better. i did talk Him into letting me wear my chokechain again... He only doesn't like it because He thinks it looks awfully degrading. The deeper meaning behind it is needed in my own messed up head sometimes, you know :P

Good luck at the interview tomorrow. i know you'll impress her. (at least this time is was a *good* thing to mention my name ;) You know, my 2 year anniversary was a couple days ago... can you believe i've been in AZ that long???

posted by PoMaBear @ 1:51 AM 0 comments