Life With Sulis

Did I tell you I like to read poeples blogs. Something about the net the annonominty of it that allows people to talk about things they would never bring up to you. Stuff you always wanted to know but where afraid to ask people. They volunteer easily. It scares me because sometimes you really don't want to know what is going on in peoples heads. Sometimes the fantasy of someone is way more satisfying then the reality. Its happend alot as I got to talking to people on the internet. Meet them in real life. and incorperate them into my little family. I learn things about them that maybe I didn't want to know. Across the net they are just some person to flirt with. Spend some time talking to. Or someone to help you understand your deepest fears without actually having to face them.

I know now that Kimiko was one of those people. I reached a catharthis when I first started talking to her. Realized things about myself I had been hiding and denying for a long time. I has spent my life leading people. Being the first at this, president of that, etc etc. trying to get away from this feeling that I had no control. I wanted to please everyone. I didn't know how to reconcile what my family wanted from me and what my soul wanted. Watching Kimi allowed me to vicariously experience the things I feared most. She introduced me to some information and people who answered my questions. And allowed me to probe some of their thoughts and ideas. I have to say that over the years having them around to see thier ups and downs have helped me to deal with changes that where occuring in my own life.

Over the years. Mainly from discussions with Kimi and Zoe and watching posts on vaious newsgroups I had developed a sort of reverence for Soul and Flagg. Early on I was attracted to the fear and reverence they instilled in the girls. I wanted to know what they had that made a woman actually be willing to give up everything and subject herself to her worsts fears to be with them. I mean I am not saying they are not good looking guys. they have thier own ferral good looks but they are not the type of guys you would see on the street and go oh yeah they are gonna have girls all hooked on them. But over the years watching them you start to notice the little chinks in that armor. You stop seeing that person as a GOD and start seeing the inperfections that make them human. And in the case of Soul it made me like him more. I stopped hating him for what he was DOING to kimi. I started realizing that he had no more control over Kimi then she allowed him to have.

Its kinda funny and I have told a few people this, at first I was scared shitless of Soul. When I would talk to him I would suddenly become stupid. I would stutter and everything. Now Soul has the most soothing voice in the world when hes not pissed so i don't know why I felt that way. On the contrast I felt very comfortable talking to Flagg, I respected him but I did NOT fear him. Which was a good thing because it allowed me to ask him things that I needed to know. To find out why certain men and woman act and do certain things. But a funny thing happened over the years. I learned to fear him. I saw in him a (to use a way to tired BDSM idiom)Beast that was truly uncontrollable. But fuck if that didn't make him all the more interesting and exciting to watch. To see him try to control his nature. To live in polite society.

I am not gonna sit her and tell you I KNOW Flagg. But I have watched him and Soul very closely over the last 5-7 years. I once likened it to an obsession. I stalked them. Watched them read everything I could about them and by them. DOes that make me bad? Probably pretty fucking wierd, but fuck that. It gave me focus. ON more then one occasion, things that they have told me have helped me deal with issues I was having. Focused my attention on doing the right thing at the right time fuck the consciquences. Made me desire to be more then who I was. So I think that I was a good obsession.

I guess I am beating around the bush here so to speak. what I really want to say is Thank you. For letting me into your lives for 7 years and helping me out when I needed it. Sometimes without you even knowing you where helping. I hope in some small way I can help you guys out. I also want to say Happy Birthday to Soul. Hope you have a good year old man. Keep up the good work and it will all pay off soon.

I started writting this last night but the boys got a little drunk and I had to play mommy for a bit. so it sat here in limbo all night till i could get back to it, I had more to say but fuck if Soul didn't bring up the subject just today so i deleted all that because he can say it much better then I can. Have a goo day all and remember I will be watching. sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 8:30 PM 0 comments

bad kb I see how you are. Come to Texas and don't even come to visit me. << sulis pouts >> I see how it is no love. Well I am glad that you made it safely home from your trip. But I would have really enjoyed visiting with you. You are welcome to come visit anytime. YOu have my number. << swats Kb's behind>> hugs sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 9:05 PM 0 comments

sulis- to work on. Cleaning up my finances. Dealing with my family. Forgiving the stupid shit that is holding me back. Learning to get all this shit in my life together. Will it ever happen. Please say it will. I keep working at it. Its getting a little easier everyday. But things are still just not in the right places. my puzzle still doesn;t seem to want to fit together. sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 3:29 PM 0 comments

Dark Days: Seems some dark days have fallen over alot of people I know. Everyone seems to be questioning who they are and why they aren't the people they had hoped they would be 10 years ago. Chuckles, maybe the secret of being really happy is just not giving a fuck. Just a thought. Hey, I am realistic I know I could never not care. But I know that I am not happy when I can't be in a position to help. Made me realize that although what I do is generally good. Its not really selfless because I get so much out of it its actually very selfish. I want to help people because it makes me feel good to know I helped someone even if that person doesn't know that I helped them. Its not the gratitude but the idea that something I can do can make a difference in someone elses life. Maybe I have a inferiority conplex. I like to help other so I don't feel like the loser I actually am. who know I don't think that it really matters much in the long run. I know I will always be looking at myself wondering what I can do to be a better person. To do things better. Am I obsessive about it. Damn probably so. Oh well. sue me. I have stuff to do just was thinking about some of my favorite men and made me think about cleaning up ones act. Anyone else want to share some thoughts on things they are doing to improve themselves. Or some thoughts on things they need to work on. step up.. you can do it.. smiles well back to work. love ya sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 3:26 PM 0 comments

Hi guys Just a quick note to tell you been working like crazy trying to help Digi with his big project. If anyone knows how to do project presentation for complete computer system including cost anyalsis and all that email me liltexan81@hotmail.com. To Soul oh my God you Rock We need to have a permenant connection to your damn browser. Hey thats an idea a whole website called surf with Soul. A look into the mind of a slightly different kind of Techie. Having worked for HP dman that HP horror story was sooo close to home Digi and I where rooted to the screen. Keep the cool links comming and the hot chicks here and there aren't bad either. WEll I have to get ready for work. Anyone have any ideas for how to make good constant money at home? Please Please Please I would love you forever. hehehe gotta go luv ya sulis Oh yeah and if any body needs some really good cooking supplies email too. The prices are good and I can send you a catalog. talk soon. hugs

posted by digitalsulis @ 6:21 AM 0 comments