Life With Sulis

Love me when I'm gone: Feeling a little left out and lonely lately. My life has become kinda busy and distracting. A while back Ochre did a thing called a cubing on me. And in the process he stated that I don't feel like I can trust my friends. Just a rare few. and I am talking 1 or 2. When I am in trouble I know they have my back. No questionsand they save the lectures for later. They don't try to make me feel bad about it. They just do it. Becuase they love me. As for the rest. It seems that its fine for me to be there for them when they need me, but should I need them they disappear. It didn't used to be like that. But in the past few years. I have secluded myself and alienated a few really close friends. Now I am living in the world Tal always claimed I was in in the first place. People will always let you down. He would tell me. I never let myself believe it. Up until recently I never felt it.

Right now I am not the happy girl that everyone is used to. It scares people. They don't like it. Why are you so mean? Are you mad at me? NO DAMMIT! I am mad at the world. I am mad at myself. For allowing myself to wallow in my emotions. For not stepping in and straightening things up before it got me depressed. I knew coming back here would open me up to all this. I thought I was ready. I know I can be strong. ITs time to work out the plan. New job. new schedule. Find the way to work it out.

Life you said Poma sometimes what you want to say has already been said so much better.

3 Doors Down
When I'm Gone

There's another world inside of me that you may never see
There's secrets in this life that I can't hide
Well somewhere in this darkness there's a light that I can't find
Well maybe it's too far away
Or maybe I'm just blind
Maybe I'm just blind

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
Love me when I'm gone

When your education x-ray cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness, I'm alive but I'm alone
And part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
Love me when I'm gone

Maybe I'm just blind

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
Love me when I'm gone,
Love me when I'm gone,
When I'm gone
When I'm gone
When I'm gone

posted by digitalsulis @ 4:17 PM 0 comments

The Illusion of Strength: Around me is this illusion of strength. People look at me and think how strong I am how well I have handled adversity. It's all a lie. I am a pretender. Like the tv show. Able to use my brain to convince myself and others that i can do what needs to be done. I can convince myself to be anything I need myself to be at any given time. Over the years it has served me well. Allowed me to do things and experience things I never would have experienced if I had not pretended to have self confidence. If I had not convinced myself not to listen to the people I knew where talking behind my back. So today I sit here. Trying to focus on what I need to accomplish. Trying to focus on what must be done.

I pretend in my mind that I have been given a task to complete. I write down the list obsessively checking to make sure I haven't forgotten anything. The list are long and complicated and you look at them and think she will never get that done. But I think to myself. I have no choice. I must do this because the unseen master of my destiny requires it of me. I often replace this unseen entity with a real voice a real person who i can channel my mania into. In my head I hear do it right for him. Do it right or he will be mad. Do it right so he will be proud of you. This need to please focuses all my energies and emotions into doing those things I really don't want to do.

I am like a kid with the magic spray bottle of under the bed gremlin repelent. Using my illusion to stop the fear that paralyses me. Using my illusion to make the impossible seem more possible. Using me illusion to find some peace. But in the end its all an illusion.

I do what needs to be done because it needs to be done and noone is going to do it for me. I focus becuase there are other people who rely on me to be focused. I am not strong. just not willing to allow myself to wonder all the way down the road of self pity and low self esteem. When I see myself go down that road. I pretend to be what I am not feeling at the moment. Just like the studies that show that pretending to smile. Will eventually truely make you feel happier. So pretending to be strong will eventually result in you being stronger.

posted by digitalsulis @ 6:18 PM 0 comments