Life With Sulis

Pain is all in your mind: Btw I am heading to the hospital tomorrow morning. For the last few weeks the pain in my kidney has been becoming progressively worse. culminating in last night crying myself back to sleep while I waited for the pain medicine to work. Multiple xrays and tests have been taken. It has become obvious that I have a stone stuck in my ureter again. Possibly preventing my right kidney from functioning as it should be. We will see what they decide to do in the morning. Anything to help me sleep more then a couple hours at a time would be nice. I really don't want to go another 6 months in pain unable to do anything for any length of time and I really don't want to see this happening to me every few months. Hopefully someone will figure it out and get it taken care of. Prey for these doctors that someone has a clue and not just a temporary fix.

posted by digitalsulis @ 12:30 AM 0 comments

Down that road: (the following is a general statement and not aimed at anyone in particular. Please realize that no matter how closely things appear to be pointing at you there are other people pushing those sames buttons out there)Trying to learn to let go. Its not an easy process. Seems quiet a few people want to me to completely forget everything that has happened in my life up to this point and start all over again. To me that seems a little risky and stupid. If I forget then I open myself up to be hurt multiple times. I just can't take anymore pain. I do want to believe that the people that I love have changed for the better over night. That everyone is going to play nice and live happily ever after. But almost 33 years of experience tells me that it just isn't going to happen that way.

So what do I do. Wall myself off. People see those walls and already they think I am acting selfish, bitchy or otherwise not myself. I am still me. I just try to protect myself a little more these days. I can't afford any more pain. The stuff that I have to deal with everyday is enough physical pain that I don't need any emotional shit to add to it.

I want to be loved for me not for what I can do for you. Not for wheather or not I agree with everything that spills from the lips of my loved ones. But for all my glorious faults and imperfections. Just as I have loved you all these many years.

Sulis is a just sulis. I am sometimes flacky, sometimes stubborn, Sometimes sweet as pie, Sometimes sexy, sometimes mean. I am not just one thing, you can't put me into this little sulis package and expect that to fit. You may not always like everything I say or do. Noone is asking you to. I don't always like everything said and done by the people who I love. But that is life. You talk it over and you move on. Maybe you talk it over four hundred times and then click you both get it. Who knows people are strange. All I know is look at what you are asking me to do and check in with yourself and see if you are affording me the same favors.

Ask me to be unselfish, be unselfish yourself. Want to strings attached don't attach strings yourselves. Want me to be more understanding of your mood or needs Do the same for me. Give and take its how relationships and families are supposed to work. I know none of us have had very good examples of how these things works as we have been growing up but hey we are intelligent people. Figure it out. Break the pattern.

I may not be a doctor today. I may not have a car. I may not be the perfect mother, sister, friend, lover, whatever. But I give everything I can give to the people that I love. I support them 100% even if they think that I don't. I have always only wanted the best and happiness for all of my "family".

I am still evolving. I am still finding myself. I may make many mistakes along the way. But know that you all have had a hand in shaping my life and my outlook of the world. Some more then others.

Thank you to those who have always been there even when you wanted to strangle me. Thank you to those who have had patience and waited for me to find my way out of the dark. Thank you for the many little things that make my life better and better everyday no matter what setback or problem arises in the morning.No matter how far away or how close you may be. I know that as long as I see a smile cross your lips at least once everything is going to be ok. Pain will eventually go away. Life will eventually clear up and even out. I can once again have the life and love that I deserve and need.

If I can get through this current health issues and through the next couple of months when I can have a set schedule and a normal life creep back into existance. Things will be 100 times better. but I know its going to be hard. I just hope that I don't underestimate those around me and find that they where not the people they claim to be. I am trying to have faith. Trying to have trust. Do your best not to do anything to break that fragile beginnings. I'll do my best to do the same. I'll just keep on plugging away trying to build a castle with our bare hands.

posted by digitalsulis @ 12:18 AM 0 comments