Life With Sulis

THis song has been covered many times although it originally was written by stevie Nicks. The story goes she was in Aspen Colorodo at the time and lindsey her long time lover and bandmate left her after a fight. She wrote this because she was stranded there and was searching for something to express her feelings about what was happening in her life.

Landslide
I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
'til the landslide brought it down
Oh, mirror in the sky -What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin'...ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know.....I don't know
Well I've been afraid of changin'
because I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I'm getting older too....
So, take my love...take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
and if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills...
well the landslide will bring it down
The landslide will bring it down

The song really hits me hard in a couple of places. She talks about the obstacles that seem to appear in life. She uses the mountain as a metaphor for this. It seems to me that my life has been a set of mountains I needed to climb. Some of the put there of my own doing others placed there by people who didn't want to see me suceed. Regardless you still have to climb to the top. To get a clearer picture of what is happening. I try to remember that. But I will be honest it is not always easy.

she talks about her reflection. Seeing herself. and that the landslide brought that relflection down. As you meet those obstacle it changes who you are. Destroys the person you where and creates a completely new and different person. Sometimes as your climbing that mountain you look at yourself and don't recognize the person you have become. I have been searching for that person for several years now. A search I am not sure I will ever complete. WHO THE FUCK AM I? Am I the bitch that some would make me out to be? Am I the innocent sweet girl that I would like to see myself as? I don't know. All I do know is I look at my reflection and I don't recognize the person I see. I look around me and I don't know where to turn, what to do, why to do it. I have been living one day at a time. Trying to deal with each obstacle as they appear. Doing the NEXT RIGHT THING. But honestly how long can you live like that? How long can you live not knowing where you are going? Who you can trust? What you are living for?

But I think that most stricking of all the lyrics in this simple song is this section:

Oh, mirror in the sky -What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin'...ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know.....I don't know
Well I've been afraid of changin'
because I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I'm getting older too....

I have been holding back not doing what I should because I was afraid of change. I had built my life around an ideal I will never see happen. I can't change other people. I can't make them be the person I would want them to be. I have to grow up and realize that I can't expect another person to make me happy. That I have to make myself happy. I have known for a long time that things can not be changed no matter how badly I would want them to. That unfortunetly some people are just who they are. It doesn't make them evil just means you have to either choose to love them and stay around and deal with the bad stuff. Or leave them and know that you will always have that part of you somewhere else.

A year ago and some odd months I packed up everything that would fit in my car and left. Left everything I knew and just about everyone I loved or cared about and moved to Texas. I needed to get away. I needed to be outside of the pressure and the fear and the distrust. I felt myself starting to make improper discissions based on fear and family pressure. I did not want to live my life in the same manner I had been. Was that selfish of me? Probably. Was it the right thing to do at the time. YES! Did it make my life harder. YES! YES! YES! WOuld it be eaiser to give up and run back to the security of my family and friends, to acknowledge defeat and accept a life that is destructive to my mind, body and soul? Fuck yes. Should I do it? I would have to say NO.

Its been time to move on for years I just didn't want to accept it. It has nothing to do with abandoning anyone. I still love and care about all of my family and friends in Arizona and California. I just know that I am a better person here. That I can be an even better person in my current environment surrounded by the people who are currently in my life. They support with out controlling instead of controlling without supporting. Its a huge change to be around people who want to help you to work with you and not against you. I have pushed many a friends and possible lover away because of my fear of this. I need to change that. I need to allow myself to allow others in. I can not judge every man on my past. I can not judge all families by my own. I have to define my own life. Then I will be worthy of being part of something bigger.

Wish me luck and thank you all who email me or share your personal thoughts through your bloggers. It helps alot when I am afraid and alone. I will rise above this. I WILL! I miss you all. Love and kisses sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 6:57 AM 0 comments

updates:
well I have a new roommate. We will call him prettyboy for now until i can think of a better name for him. He moved in about a week ago but I wasnt sure if he was gonna stay but it has been decided he is. You all might see him in here eventually. We are already addicting him to girl2.

Some of you know that I badly damaged my rotator cuff in my shoulder about a week ago. Damn thing hurt so bad i couldnt stop throwing up. Was not nice. Nothing like the taste of bile in the morning. Anyways I went on in to the ER. And they xrayed it no break but swelling like crazy. Ouch Someone tell me why they have to always put you into the exact position that causes the most amount of pain to take the damn xrays. Anyways several hours later they sent me home with 2 pain killers, a antiinflamatory and a antinausua medication. All of which make you whoozy and tired. So needless to say i spent the next couple of days in a stupor or in pain.

I took up smoking again. For a week and a half. smoked 2 whole boxes of cloves. God i hate when that happens. But i quit now I swear. no more. I promise. For those of you who don't know me in real life. In times of severe stress I take to smoking very strong cigarettes called cloves. I usually smoke about 1 pack a year. For some reason the stress this week has warrented 2 packs but no more I refuse to buy anymoer no matter how much I am craving them.

I decided I really do not like cinnaman liquere. I tried aftershock and hot damn 100 both have a hell of a bite but they just dont taste like big red. Thanks to Jessie I tried a little tequilla rose. she knows a like strawberries (wink wink) and the cream tastes good too.

Boy does it look like i have been in all sorts of trouble these last couple of weeks. Feeling my oats I guess. Been a bit melancholy. Spent hours staring at the sky at night sitting beside the pool wondering where it is I am fucking going. Havent figured it out yet sept maybe eventually to hell in a hand basket. Spent tons of time with the baby changeing around our room. Gonna get him a new bed. Taking him to german dancing class. Nothing cuter then a bunch of 2nd graders trying to dance in synch. specially the chicken dance. (clacks her fingers flaps her arms wiggles her butt_)

Went to the fair with my budy cowboy. he is a sweetie. We had a blast in the middle of the night playing midway games and watching the drunkards come out of the dance. He almost started fighting with another guy when the stranger started to get a little to friendly with my breasts. Dman cowboys think anybody is a toy just for them. It happened so fast we where away from him before i realized what had really happened. I guess i can be thankful cowboy was with me and happy that at least i know I still attract the crazys (smirks)He came over the next day and played video games and had a few beers. So overall the weekend went pretty good.

Got to watch prettyboy get tattoed and the ghetto botty came over and got tattooed too. There are two good looking country boys who live about 5 apartments over who do the tattoing. he did a pretty good job. I will try to get some photos up as soon as possible. prettyboy has known them since high school. So When he is not here I know he is over there.

Well i guess all in all I have really been just trying to figure out why it is that i am so unhappy. Tal for your part I have to say that I hope you are happy to know that i realize now that there are some issues I have that you have brought up to me that i previously did not think where issues that have become glaring obvious to me are issues. Working on them. So be happy that for once I am admitting you where right about something. I still think that most of what you say to me is just full of shit and ment to piss me off but then i am still a little pissed off at you right now which i know colors how i feel about anything that comes out of your mouth. I am sure you feel the same about me. I sure as hell hope that at some point we both can get past this. I am trying. Letting go is not as easy as i would like it to be. Forgiving and forgetting are nice in theory but down right near impossible in reality. I guess I am not as good and sweet of a person as I would like to think I am.

Which brings me to the meat of this blog. I blogges because I was wondering what all of you think makes a perfect woman. I say perfect because noone will ever be perfect so If i don't ever meet all the goals you guy set out I wont feel bad about it. I know some of you can give me a ton of things i am doing wrong. but that is not what I am asking. I am asking that you describe what you think of when you think of the perfect woman. body, mind, or any other subject.

When i think of the perfect woman i guess i think of a geisha. Incredible intelligence on many different levels. Impecable grooming and clothing. (note though that i think of long dresses and suits like you would see in the tv show silk stockings when i think of the perfect woman and not of a kimono)She keeps a well stocked well cleaned well run disciplined household for her lord. SHe is alway looking to learn new things. And pays close attention to her serounding so she can anticipate her households or guests needs. She is extremely pleaseing visually as well as sexually yet is not slutty. Basically a woman who would be an asset to any mans household.

I realize now how far I have to go to even be close to that idea I hold for myself. Right now i really don't have a lord or a household. So I guess the only thing I can do right now is work on myself. both physically, and emotionally. ITs not as easy to do as it seems at first. This injury set me back a bit. but I am working out again. my goal is to be down to a size that is fitting to my proportions within 6 months. I am thinking about having some breast reduction done. to make me look mor proportionate. I am however extremely scared of what they have to do to perform that procedure and just how much sensaation if any I will lose in the process. Also how bad the scarying is going to be. I am working on taking better physical care of myself. I have been very hard on myself the last 2 years. I guess I have been angry with myself so I have neglected the things that I need to do to stay healthy emotionally and physically. I am working on correcting that but its a slow process and unfortunetly like the cigarettes and the small party last weekend (but hey i won the battle of the sexes game even being totally and completely bombed out of my brain)I have setbacks here and there. thank you very much btw to those of you have have given me encouragement and affection during this trying time. you guys do not know how much it means to me.

Figuring out who i am and where I stand in the world after being part of something else for most of my adult life is diffuclt to master. I am not sure where things are gonna go from here but by writting it down I am taking the first steps in letting thigns go and moving down that path to redemption. For those of you who felt slighted, damaged or hurt in this process know that I never ever ment to cause anyone any harm. Anyhing done was unintentional or misinterpreted. those of you who know me well and you know who you are. You should know me better then that. You should know that my intention in any situation is to help others. That I am faithful to a fault to my family and friends no matter how badly they need to be told to bugger off. You should know. Its the one thing that makes me madder then hell about everything that has happened. I figured people like yall who have known me forever would know better. But I guess you all never really tried to know me. You just thought you knew me. You just pigioned on me what you wanted me to be. Weather thats the bitch or the temporary savior. I want you to know that I still love you guys but I will never forget what has happened. You have hurt me badly and deeply. In ways only people who have intimate knowledge of your hopes needs and desires could ever do. In ways only someone who you love and trust can hurt you. But I am determined to get through this and past it. I AM a better person then that. I can get past my anger and pain. It may not be today but it WILL happen. I just hope you guys can do the same.

well i better sleep some and this blog has drained me but in a good way. It feels good to finally put to writting some of my flaws and fears. For the record I know that alot of the changes that need to be made in my life are not physically but emtotional and spiritual in nature. I need to grow up. To let go and to deal with what I fear. I know I can do it. I just wish I could do it a little bit faster. LIfe is just zooming by while i trying to get my butt in gear.

sweet dreams and sweeter kisses, sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 12:43 AM 0 comments