Life With Sulis

Perceptions:Everyone sees reality in their own special way. I find that if 10 people experience the exact same experience they will percieve it in 10 completely different ways. Normally this is a good thing. But when it comes to love and family all those different perceptions lead to pain and misunderstandings. When people look at your life and try to pick it apart. Try to find what they want in it, and then share that with others: you only get trouble. I spent probably 4 hours on the phone last night getting to hear just how different the other people in my life percieve things. It was an eye opening painful experience.


Talent seems to think that my perceptions of things are screwy. Maybe he is right. I have always looked at the world a little differently then most. I try to see the good in situation and the good in people. I am a giver and a pacifier. It brings a lot of conflict into my life. I am the one who always takes home the strays. I live to serve other people, what gets me going is knowing that I made someone else happy or I changed someone elses life for the better.


I am sitting her trying to figure out how I go about changing who I am to fit into what society wants me to be. Society doesn't want me to trust others. It doesn't like me to help others. Status Quo is the way it should be. But I can't live like that. I can't look at a hungry child and not want to give it food. I can't look at a teenager who is begging for someone to care about them and turn them away. It is just not in me to do it. Even when I fight I do everything I can to make things as pleasent as possible. I don't ever want to hurt people. (ok maybe in play but not emotionally)


I know you all will find this funny but I have found alot of my faith back in these last few weeks. Now this is to say that I have always had a certain faith. One that once again is not normal. I don't profess to any religion. I believe in one God. I believe in Jesus Christ. and I believe that the Holy Spirit is part of everything. We where made in the image of god and through the holy spirit given powers to do anything. Our own doubt and lack of concentration is the only thing that holds us back. I have always believed in the rule of 3 Whatever you do will come back to you 3 times. So why would anyone do anything intentionally bad to someone else. They would just be hurting themselves.


SO lately I have been praying an awful lot. Meditating on why people react to me the way they do. I found that one saying keeps comming up in my head everytime I do. Soul said it to me a long time ago. " The road to hell is paved with good intentions." (he was refering to why one would get punished for doing something wrong when their intention was to do the right thing.)I do things that upset people because I am trying to please them. My efforts often get misrepresented and twisted or outright thwarted because often I just can't image why someone would not want to help someone else.


I know that I have said this before but to me I don't understand why you would not want to help the others around you. I mean someday and you don't know when, you may need their help. If everyone helped those around them then life would be so much better for just about everyone. Think about it. If people worked together to do things like housing, daycare, food, etc. so much heartache and strife would be stopped.

posted by digitalsulis @ 9:12 AM 0 comments

Where is everyone? Seems like our little family is drifting away. Course my emial has been acting screwy so if you have emailed me within the last few weeks. Please forgive me for not responding. I get alot of blank emials and ones I can't read and I know I am not getting all of my mail. Sending stuff out seems to be working off and on. But anyways. the last few weeks have been hard. been really sick. Been really sad. Been really lonely. Have 2 jobs now. teaching and telemarketing. I love teaching, telemarketing can go to hell. I want to say everything is going well and for the most part it is I have a place to sleep food and my beautiful children, that in itself is a huge blessing. But I find myself wanting more. I want to be loved like I love other people. To be loved unconditionally not just when I am doing things the way they want me to do them. I am not saying I want someone who will let me walk all over them. If you know me you know that would never work for me. I like very dominate men. I can't stand when a man doesn't have a clue what he wants or needs. I want someone who will treat me like the queen to his king. Is that such a bad thing? I am not one to go form man to man. hell I have been married most of my life. Flirting is one thing but a relationship and sex is entirely another. So I sit here wondering what the hell I am going to do. I guess just focus in on my self and hope someone realizes that I am here. Well at least I live somewhere where there are a lot of good looking white boys.( did i mention i have a thing for white boys) Anyways. so that is why I have not been around much. Just trying to survive in a world that doesn't want me to survive in it. I guess I am not your average woman. If i ever wrote down what i really want out of life you would all think I was completely insane. But then again maybe i am. On that note....... bye, love and kisses sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 7:21 AM 0 comments