I have two quotes to share with you today.
Be not too hasty to trust or to admire the teachers of morality:
they discourse like angels, but they live like men"
... Samuel Johnson, Rasselas (1759), 18
.....That's almost thirty. I still haven't accepted that this is my life.
And I just wish I could be dumb and then I wouldn't know better
and I could be happy and stop hopeing....
Drew Barrymore in Riding in Cars with Boys
both of these statements really hit me. I guess I should start at the beginning. It all started with a movie. Cowboy told me that Riding in Cars with Boys was a good movie. That I should watch it. So I sat down and started to watch this movie. The movie started and it was like watching all the fuckups in my life all over again. I was glued to my seat balling my eyes out. Looking at my life the way all the people who hate me must see it.
It was a comedy of errors. Small choices that had huge effects in the outcome of a persons life. Always trying to do the right thing for the right reason but failing miserbly at it. I sat their realizing why it is my 16 year old hates me. Despite all the love I gave him and all the love I have for him he sees me as a catstrophic fuck up. He sees himself and he has said this to me if I had only listen and taken him seriously. as the reason for all my problems. Because I in error of thinking that he would take my actions for what they where an act of love, told him a long time ago and several times since that I gave up my chance to go into the academy to keep my son. I defyed my parents to keep him. Because I loved him. But he sees it as me saying That his mear presense ruined my life and stole my dreams. He thinks the same way about Digi. He thinks that he is a problem for us. But in truth it was never him. He was just a symptom of my not being avialable for what was being offered to me at the time. I haven't the slightest idea how to make him understand these truths. That i loved him before i ever had even seen his beautiful little face. That i cried almost every day that he was not with me. That I cry for him even today. Even though that I knew and was prepared this time for him to be away.I knew he was spreading his wings. I knew he was gonna leave me behind but the reality of it hit very hard. To have your child turn to you and say they don't want to be with you. Or worse they don't want to talk to you.
I am sure there are alot of people who think I am a freak. That feel that i deserve everything that happens to me. And maybe you are right. Maybe I do. Maybe unconciously I am trying to screw things up. I don't know. I just know that it happens. That things never work out the way I plan them. Sometimes i wonder if I would do better to stop trying to be a good person. To become selfish and self centered. Those kinda girls seem to have it all. I don't know I just know that right now I have so much on my mind. Even those of you who think that i hate you I don't.I know i have posted this somewhere before but here it is again.
Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as
A poor man stealing
Tired of living like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without
A sense of feeling
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you
A heart worth breaking
And I've been wrong
I've been down
Into the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream
Are we having fun yet?
Yet, yet, yet, no no
Yet, yet, yet, no no
It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and
I swear I still do
And it must have been so bad
'Cos living with him must have
Damn near killed you
And this is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you
A heart worth breaking
And I've been wrong
I've been down
Into the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream
Are we having fun yet?
Yet, yet, yet, no no
Yet, yet, yet, no no
Yet, yet, yet, no no
Yet, yet, yet, no no
Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as
A poor man stealing
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you
A heart worth breaking
And I've been wrong
I've been down
Into the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream
Are we having fun yet?
Yet, yet
Are we having fun yet?
Yet, yet
Are we having fun yet?
Yet, yet
Are we having fun yet?
Yet, yet
No, no, no
SO ALL YOU OUT THERE IN NEVER NEVER LAND ARE WE HAVING FUN YET!!!!!
