Life With Sulis

Blogathon update: Well I noticed that I haven't got anyone to pledge money for tomorrows blogathon. I kind of expect that since my charity is not exactly something all of you out there can get behind. IT is really something only important to me. For the record I am doing some fundraising outside of this for them as a change bandit. So i don't feel so bad that I didn't get any response. If someone is willing to make a donation I would be forever grateful. Remember the donation goes directly to Pheonix Children's Hospital Foundation and Not to me. I will check in in the morning if I still don't have any donations then I will head to bed. I had to work today so I have been up longer then I should have. BUt if there is a donation there I will stay up and blog. So if you want to see me stay up all day and all night. put up or shut up. Talk to you all laters.

posted by digitalsulis @ 11:01 PM 0 comments

Keep Telling Yourself and Someday You May Just Believe it: I keep trying to tell myself I am stronger then all this. That I can get through all this. That everything is eventually going to work out. How can in not. I believe in the basic good of human beings. Adults can work anything out given time and patience. But my patience is wearing thin. My hope is running dry. I look in all directions and don't see a safe or happy harbor. Maybe its just me maybe I expect too much. Maybe I want too much. I'm the princess dammit. Fall to your knees and adore me. Take care of me. Be my knight in shining white armor. Maybe I look for faults too much. There are directions I can go but none seem right. The direction I want to go seems like a lesson in futitlity. Everything I want but so much that I don't. I don't want to live with anger and pain anymore. I don't want to allows be sad or upset. I don't want to feel like I am an embarrassment or a sorce of iritation to the one that I love. I don't ever want to feel like I am second. Why can't I just accept and stop fighting for more. Because I know there are higher dreams and a better life out there and I can't settle for less then that. I have been through too much to turn back now. I walked away to find myself what I found made me sad. But it gave me stregth to become the women I was supposed to be. I don't want to go back to that girl I have turned into. It's time to let go.

To the past goodbye. To the future......the princess is calling ;-p No where did I see that frog (wanders out into the garden)
------------------------------------------------------------------
"Jessica Andrews
There's More To Me Then You

I spent years and all of this time
Thinking I was better off cause you were mine
You always said it was your way or the highway
So I'm shiftin' my life into drive
I'm getting out,kissin' the past goodbye
Like Toby said,'How Do You Like Me Know?'
This conversation has run dry
And I keep telling myself

Oooh oooh oooh
There's more to me then you
Oooh oooh
Don't underestimate what I can do
Well I'm alright,it's ok
I know I'll make it through
Cause there's more to me then you

I'm not sayin' I'm battered and bruised
But I might as well be with the words you use
I believe in myself and that makes me stronger
Things change,so have I
I'm gonna make hay while the sun still shines
You can clip my wings,I'm still gonna fly
I'm on my own and I'm on my way
And keep telling myself

Oooh oooh oooh
There's more to me then you
Oooh oooh
Don't underestimate what I can do
Well I'm alright,it's ok
I know I'll make it through
Cause there's more to me then you

There was always something that meant more to you them me
And I'm just sorry it's taken this for you to see

Oooh oooh oooh
There's more to me then you
Oooh oooh
Don't underestimate what I can do
Well I'm alright,it's ok
I know I'll make it through
Cause there's more to me then you"

posted by digitalsulis @ 10:28 PM 0 comments

Lifelong Homework:

Soulhuntre wrote:

Core/Dump: the stuff in my head...: "Homework...
I am off to see Tatsumi so I only have a moment. As your homework, reflect on the following:
'I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another human being, or ask another human being to live for mine.' - Ayn Rand
Consider then how that concept, as with others of Objectivism, will interact with issues of service, training and ownership. When I get a chance tomorrow, I am hoping to discuss those interactions here. if you have thoughts on it, let me know .
Later!
ed note: this is post 1,501 in this log. Thanks to all who support me in it.
07.19.2003 21:23:16 / Soulhuntre
Lifestyle / tb view (0) / tb link / # "

I have struggled with this idea for as long as I can remember. I grew up in an addictive family. From a very young age I have always felt somehow responsible for my parents. My parents buried themselves into their work and other things and left us kids at home. So I grew up taking care of my brothers and sisters. When I was a teenager I was already a mother, before I turned 21 I was married. I have never had a time when I wasn't responsible for someone. There has never been a time when there wasn't someone there to take care of. It was who I was. How I identified myself. I was so and sos wife. I was so and so's mommy. so and so's duaghter. Then one day, January 2002 to be exact. All that changed. Suddenly I was alone with noone to care for and no one to identify with. I as devestated. I didn't know what to do. I had never ever in my life been alone. I had never ever been away from my kids. For awhile there I began to believe that my life was over. That I was better off dead. Without those people that made me who I was I might as well not exist. I honestly didn't know what to do with myself. I was going mad with all the free time I now had because of all the messes I didn't have to clean up, all the questions I didn't have to answer, All the bills I didn't have to pay.

I didn't know how to live my life without living it for someone else. To be honest I still haven't figured that one out. Like I said a few days ago. When I talked about my illusions. Even when I don't have someone to live for I just make one up to fill the void. I know its sad and pathetic. But I honestly don't know how to fill that void. I wish I knew. Maybe I would have a much happier life. All I know is I feel no drive to live with out having someone to live for.

posted by digitalsulis @ 2:58 AM 0 comments