Life With Sulis

TGIF or some such bull: Today really went crappy. My stress level is so high. I just can't deal with people. Oh did I tell you I work in the service industry. Having a bad day is not allowed. I want to hide under a fucking rock and die sometimes. I hate fighting with people and I have come to the end of my patience. I have tried to be patient and understanding and tried to do what I thought was best for everyone but the more I think about it the more I need to say fuck it and just do what I need to do and protect those I can from the fallout.

This song came on and it made me realize some things. Sometimes love just isn't enough.

Jimmy Wayne - Stay Gone

I found piece of mind, I'm feeling good again.
I'm on the other side,
Back among the living.
Ain't a cloud in the sky,
All my tears have been cried,
And I can finally say:
Baby, baby stay,
Stay right where you are.
I like it this way,
It's good for my heart.
I haven't felt like this,
In God knows how long.
I know everything's gonna be okay,
If you just stay gone.

I still love you, and I will forever
We can't hide the truth,
We know each other better.
When we try to make it work,
We both end up hurt.
And it ain't supposed to be that way.

So baby, baby stay,
Stay right where you are.
I like it this way,
It's good for my heart.
I haven't felt like this,
In God knows how long.
I know everything's gonna be okay,
If you just stay gone.

When you try to make it work,
We both end up hurt.
Love ain't supposed to be that way.

So baby, baby stay,
Stay right where you are.
I like it this way,
It's good for my heart.
I haven't felt like this,
No, in God knows how long.
I know everything's gonna be okay,
If you just stay gone.

I know everything's gonna be okay,
If you just stay gone.

posted by digitalsulis @ 9:15 PM 0 comments

Little Miracles: The doctors went well. Found a second job. Which is super flexible and hopefully will replace the first job which is taking forever and I hate anyways. Man I missed my Doctor. I know that is a funny thing to say about a Ob/Gyn because most people hate theirs but I love my Dr. He is the greatest guy, and he does everything in his power not to hurt me and I tell you that is not an easy feat. I like him so much I have told all my friends about him and they now will cross state lines to see him. That tells you how good he is. I'd put up his website but its not built yet so I'll have to wait. But if you live in the area and want a kick ass ob/gyn message me and I will be glad to pass his name and number to you. Hes a Texan so watch out for that Southern Charm.

It is freaking hot out right now. ick. No breeze. what is up with that. Water give me Water. I miss having the river just down the street. I'm sorry but the Salt River just doesn't compare to the Comal or Guadalupe.

Well I am going to be doing the blog a thon this year. Hopefully you will all donate a couple of dollars. You should see a link up soon with information on when and how to donate. Please don't send the money to me. I'll set things up as soon as possible for that.

If you want to know why this is so important to me just read this Christmas 2000 blog entry. I owe Phoenix Children's Hospital my sons life. I can never repay them for that. What they did will always be on my mind.

5 years ago on Dec th 19th, my life probably changed forever. In the following 2 weeks I would be witness to 3 beautiful children die, hear the anguish of a mother who had struggled for 2 years to keep her child healthy only to see him slip away on christmas eve. How could a God who is supposed to be so loving be so cruel.


Let me start at the beginning it started around Halloween I guess i Just made exscuses for it he was young his shoes where to big I dont konw he was just clumsy. My 18 month old Child started stumbling when he walked was having trouble feeding himself and after starting to use the potty was having trouble using it again. But this all was ignored because he looked so healthy. As we where walking to have our thanksgiving photos of the kids taken I noticed him holding his hand funny like people with nerve problems often do in what Tal affectionatly calls the "chest slap or retard position" I mentioned it in passing to him but we both let it slide. He passed his physical and took him shots in early december the doctor didnt say a thing. then ame the coffing at first not so bad then worse and worse. I took him to the doctor they told me to run a vaporizor and all the other things doctors tell you he had RSV. Sounds easy enough well it wasnt He started having seizure on the 17th at first maybe once or twice everyt 12 hours by the 18th midday he was having them one every 3 hours. the Doctors having never seen him seize thought i was insane. In fact Tal took him to the doctor that morning and was there for 2 hours no siezure the minute he got into the car and started driving away boom he has a siezure. So we kept trying to keep his fever down help him breath and all the things you are supposed to do for your children when they are sick. by the evening of the 19th I had had enough 3 days with little or no sleep and worrying that at any minute he would stop breathing drove me to the hospital emergency room no matter what the doctors told me and I was not leaving till they helped him. So as we sat in the emergency room he had several seizures but none while a medical personal was there. They wrote in the medical records (i read them sometime later that year) that it was the mother is hysterical seeing sysmptoms which where not there.SO they where going to give him discharge papers and I am now crying frustrated begging them to transfer him to childrens hospital for tests they refused. The tech walks in with the discharge paper for me to sign and as if on cue he begins to have one of the largest seizures he had had to date. the tech freaks and runs out screaming for the doctor. Needless to say an ambulance was there in less then 5 minutes and he was admitted to childrens in less then 15.


Once there I was greated by the first set of people who didnt think I was insane. they calmed me down and promised that they would take good care of him. They put him in a semiprivate room and pumped him full of drugs to stop the seizures nothing was working. This went on for days trying new drugs and them not working and all the while he was getting weaker and weaker haing increasing diffiulites breathing. His tiny little chest sinking evertime he tried to breath.Christmas eve came and they moved him into a room directly across from the icu nurses station so they could respond quicker. The little boy in his room with him was fighting the same problem. they where about the same age. His mother and I introduced ourselves. We hugged each other telling each other things are going to be ok even though we both where losing hope fast. The doctors came in to check on them and ended up putting a trach tube in the other little boy as his mother looked on in horror. My sons doctor turned to me and said if he doesnt start getting more oxygen into his body we are going to have to do the same thing. I noticed you where Catholic I think you should call your priest and have him baptised if he is not baptised and have them adminster last rights. I refused saying nothing to my family who was struggling to keep the family together at home with 2 small children wondering where mom and baby where and why Christmas wasnt comming tonight. I just prayed and prayed and cried harder then I have ever cried before.


about midnight the alarms started going off the little boy next to us had stopped breathing and shortly there after his heart quit. His mother began to scream a scream I dont think I will ever forget as long as I live. It was like those wailing sounds you hear at indian funerals but 100 times worse. they rushed in and did everything to this poor child but he was gone. His mother just stood there when it was all over clutching his lifeless tubed body cursing god and me for my son being alive. (she came back and apoligized I told her i understood I prolly would have done the same thing) I sat there anxously watching my son labor to breath counting every heartbeat hearing ever skip, praying the alarm would not go off.


Then a miracle happened, the siezures started to slow he woke up for the first time in 5 days and Christmas morning found my son on the upside. The doctors came in and told me not to get too excited these things tend to rebound. So i waited.


January 2nd they let me take him out of the icu and home with me. They told me he had a liesion in his right frontal lobe. they told me it could be genetic, it could be a tumor, it could be an anuerysm on surgery could tell but the odds of leaving it or performing surgery on it where bad so we elected to wait and see.


that week I brought home a 19 month old child who could not eat without choking, who couldnt even hold his head up by himself. The doctors told me as I left to be prepared to care for him for life. That he may never be able to walk or do anything for himself. I just smiled and walked out of there with my baby.


Its five years later and he is a happy healthy 6.5 year old. He rides a bike, tries to read, and does all of the other things the children in his 1st grade class do. Admittedly he is still a little bit slower and a little bit clumsier then his playmates but he can do almost everything they can. I know in my heart that though his memory may never be good and though his speech my have problems when he is sick he will live a happy normal life.

ps little note he is now 9 and a very happy, active and smart 3rd grader. He still has a little problem with memory and reading but his Math is above grade level and his speaking vocabulary is awsome. He is my poster child for reading to your child everday and never giving up no matter what anyone says to you. Children can overcome anything if you give them half a chance and as much love as you can.

posted by digitalsulis @ 3:20 PM 0 comments

Round bellies: Just wanted to share with you a picture of Preg Jessie from jessiecam. She is working on baking her second little one. She is due anyday. Isn't she just a cutie. hehehe I kept the nude ones to myself cause I am selfish like that.

Speaking of babies. I am off to the OB/GYN today. Gotta love that. I get to be poked and proded. Just in case anyone just had a heart atche NO I am NOT NOT NOT pregnant. I am just going to have my yearly and get set up to have my depo shot again. A girl can't live on hope alone and I think it is time to realize that I am not dead and start living. I have waited long enough. (no that does not mean I intend to turn into sulis the slut. It just means I would like to keep my options open for a meaningful and physical relationship with the one male of my choosing. Worrying about pregnancy is just not sexy or conductive of romance in anyway for me) TMI ALERT!!! Plus I hate my period. Depo gets rid of it for me. Plus some things in my life have been on hold for far far too long. Decisions have to be made and I don't want to be caught unprepared. No babies for me.

Well off to the showers talk soon .

posted by digitalsulis @ 9:26 AM 0 comments

Manic Mon....Wednesday?: Well today kinda sucked. I think that I am passing a kidney stone agian. That makes it number 5 or 6 in the last year and a half. Spending some time with Babyd getting things straight in my head. He is a great sounding board. Never judgemental and he doesn't try to solve all my problems by telling me how fucked up I am. I already know that. Got alot of work done today. spent the day obsessing about different things. I do that alot. I analyze the shit out of things. I looked at everything I was doing and started makeing lists. This is where the obessesion comes in. Well it was then I realize that my life was spiralling slowly out of control. You see I never go anywhere without my dayrunner or a binder. I write shit down. I make lists. When I don't do it I lose stuff. I lose control of where I am and where I am going. I have no direction.

On the way here from Texas I lost my dayrunner. I feel lost without it. So thank to babyd I am going to get all back in control. He is getting me a cool new program for keeping my dates and bills and stuff. I thought about it and I have had a lot of mail lately about liking hearing more about me. I considered it alot because letting people know you makes you vunerable. But then again. I grew up and firmly believe that you shouldn't do anything in private that you wouldn't want other people to see and know you are doing. So As of right now unless I chicken out I plan to add my Massive ADHD page. It will be all the list and wierd comments that pop up in my head. Warning its choatic and messy in there. Not at all a place for anyone faint of heart. You might learn more about me then you really wanted to know.

Maybe you all can help me complete some of my lost projects. Keep me on the straight and narrow so to speak. And for those of you inclined to put your negative 2 cents in. Let me say this right now. If you dont like what i have to say GO AWAY. Don't message me or email me or whatever I don't want to hear it. So if you want to tell me I am too fat, crazy, lazy, stupid, **enter your own negative adjective here** tell it to someone else.

Wish there was a way to just do a brain dump....... God I can't wait for that usb cable connection for my brain. Upgrade of memory and storage space would be nice too. Its coming I know it is. I have faith. Resistance is Futile!

posted by digitalsulis @ 12:28 AM 0 comments

No D/s for Phenomenal Women?: Was looking at joining this group who preached about understanding and tolerance etc etc. http://www.phenomenalwomen.com. It looked like a decent group Thought I would apply till I got to this page. How can someone who states they believe in choice and tolerance be so against something a person chooses to do. She talks about being a housewife, I say how is being a good housewife any different then submitting to someone. As a housewife you are using your skill and energy in order to make your enivironment clean and organized for the people in your home. Its not different. Just a prettier name on it so women dont get too scared that someone may have control over them.

When did control become such a horrible thing. Someone has to be in control. and Everyone can't be in control. SO when did it become a bad thing that someone who is comfortable with the job and does it well has control. Especially when the person who is being controlled know the other person is the better person for the job. Whats wrong with that it happens in business all the time. Its the natural flow of human, no all sentiant, interaction. There will always be alpha's and there will always be deltas and beautiful shades in between. Its just natures way of maintaining order.

I guess since I believe in order (go figure I am a virgo) that I must not be a phenoMENal women. Oh well! I guess I will just keep my order and be a happy girl instead.

posted by digitalsulis @ 1:02 PM 0 comments

Point of Over Perfection: Is there a point where you have become so good at something that if you fail to do that thing exactly like you do everyday that the people around you will become violently angry? I am not talking abuse here. But I am saying Joe Average say he finds himself the perfect woman. She does everything the way he likes it. This goes on for years. He's happy, he's the envy of all his friends. But for some reason his girlfriend does something a little different one day. Or gets busy and neglects to do somthing he has come to expect as a matter of course. Is there a point that everyone human will become angry at the change? A point where you have trained someone to expect perfection so long that anything less is just in insult?

Why doesn't common sense kick in and that persons brain think hmmmm maybe she just forgot. Maybe she had a bad day. Its no big deal. So I have to cook my own dinner tonight. Or so I have to wear some clothes I don't like because my dovies are not clean yet. Or Its getting late and everything is not back in its proper place maybe just for tonight I will help her out by picking up with out being a jerk about having to do it.

I see quite a few guys who have the world at their feet, wonderful wives and girlfriends and they just don't apreciate them. Sure they love them when they are doing everything the way they like it. But should they slip even for a moment and all bets are off. What in a man makes them believe that they are so special that they deserve perfect obediance 24/7 365 or they feel cheated? Who is that perfect? Who deserves that kind of devotion? Why is it that the more you do for the ones you love the less they do for you?

Here is my issue with this. I like to do things for people. I enjoy making the world around someone I care about as comfortable for them as possible. In the past this has come back to bite me in the ass because they have decided that someone they abosoulutly had to have it that way all the time and if I made a mess or didn't feel like cooking that night, and it didnt matter the reason they would get mad at me or feel cheated or not cared for in some way. Sometimes I just have had too much for that day. Give me some attention give me some love and the desire to do the things you are missing will come back to me. For me I love the satisfaction of knowing I am doing a good job for someone I care about. When they start taking it for granted or worse ignoring me completly for extended periods of time I get upset. The worst way to hurt me is to ignore me. My mind will punish me far worse then anything that you could ever do to me. I have batteries to spare as long as I have someone who remembers to recharge them on regular basis.

CHuckles proper care and handling of your toys is essential for their long useful life.

posted by digitalsulis @ 9:42 PM 0 comments

Change Are A Coming: To go along with my other changes I thought I would change a few things around the site. Please feel free to click on any of the links. I don't make any money off them but I know the people who designed them would love you to check out their products. Also if you could put up a review for me I would love that. Well have to go Need to come up with $50 before it gets too late.

posted by digitalsulis @ 3:54 PM 0 comments

The End of Marriage: I saw this article on msn (http://slate.msn.com/id/2085127) and had to read it. I always wondered what interest the governement really had in who and when we married. Well the subject is a sound one and I would love to hear you thoughts on the subject as well as your thoughts on how to solve the issues like property, insurance, and child custody should government sanctioned marriages be abolished.

posted by digitalsulis @ 1:13 PM 0 comments

The Hard Truth: In the past I always saw myself as this person who was buffeted from one problem to another by some unseen hand that trys to squash me. I couldn't understand how people I went out of my way to be nice to would be assholes or jerks to me. The other night while innocently talked with babyd and poma it came to my attention that people constantly read intentions into my actions. It cracks me up because they assume that I actually plan this shit out. That I intentionally do wierd things to freak people out or perform some agenda only they know.

Some good examples of where my philosophy is at odds with how people see me. I HATE conflict. I will go WAY out of my way to avoid it. I have had too much of it in my lifetime and don't really care to have too much more of it. So I always try to find some other way out of a conflict other then face to face argueing. People take this that I don't care about the subjects that are being argued about. It couldn't be futher from the truth.

Same with EX's and their girlfriends. Everyone expects me to be a bitch. It is just not my nature to do the things that everyone thinks I should be doing. Last Christmas I freaked Tal's girlfriend out by sending her a christmas present. I had no intentions of freaking her out. I just feel that she lived in the house my duaghter did and I was sending Christmas presents there and I can't imagine how rude it is to get all these packages for my duaghter and Tal, when her son and she got nothing. So I made sure everyone in the house got something. Something I thought they would like. Granted I didn't know them very well. But none the less. I thought I was doing a nice thing to make the holiday's a little nicer for everyone. After all at that time I had nothing against her. As far as I knew she was good to my duaghter and her son was her friend. It wasn't afterall their fault that Tal and I where not getting along. Aparently, what I did was "CREEPY".

So, I am not sure how to change this. Apparently everyone seems to know what I am thinking even when I don't know myself. Assumption is such a nasty thing. How do I act so people don't read shit into my actions that just are not there? What exactly am I doing that makes people think that I am schemeing in some way?

I look back at things I do and think to myself that yeah I could see why people would be suspicious of why I did this or that. But I never did them with the intentions that people ascribe to them. I would have to change my whole outlook on life. My whole bend of life to accomidate them. How do I change that thing that makes me me. I am naturally quick to react and I react in a way that I feel will benefit everyone involved. Like Poma said sometimes the people involved are just not ready to have that particular problem solved. Some people like to wallow in the misery for awhile. Some people need to make mistakes on their own. Sometimes I have to sit back and watch the people I love self destruct and hurt themselves and others and do nothing about it. This is a hard lesson to learn.

The world doesn't apreciate win - win situations. The world really doesn't apreciate mediators. I honestly don't know where my place in the world is now. When everything I do by nature is considered devious and creepy.

posted by digitalsulis @ 12:29 AM 0 comments

The Gaping Void: While looking at some blog trends and add ons I found a link to this site called Gapingvoid.com. Check it out. If I had some money to blow I would buy one or two but I enjoyed going through the pictures. They are doodles written on the back of business cards. You can even have the person who drew them make you up a set with your personal information. See the site for more info on that. Here is a sample:



Title: Food Stamps
Price: $50.00
Click on the picture to buy it

posted by digitalsulis @ 12:05 AM 0 comments