Life With Sulis

Holding Back the Waves: I recieved a wake up call today that helped me see something that my counselor and I have been working on for over 2 years. Someone I love ws able to explain to me why I do the things that I do. And why I meet such resistance from the people around me. I wanted to cry as she was talking to me. Listening to her words and realizing how my actions have effected my world. Realizing how my own fears and my own way of seeing the world has conspired to make my life miserable at times.

I sit her trying to imagine not trying to hold back the next wave. Trying to force the world around me to conform to what I want it or need it to be. Trying to work my way around the thought that somethings are just not in my control. I can't control what other people think or do. I can't control time. I can't completly control who has to come in and out of my life. No matter how much I want it to be different something are just ment to be.

So I am trying to finder the greater good. The higher power here. To let go of some of the control I have held on to for so long. The false control. Learn to keep quiet. Learn to let people find their way in their own time. For me that is not an easy thing to do. I know it is arrogent of me to assume this but I see a bigger picture out there. I see where people should fit. But I have to realize that sometimes people are not ready to fit into that roll. SOmetimes for them to really do good they have to learn on their own where their little piece of the puzzle fits.

Learning to let go is not going to be easy. My life and the lives of those around me have been a mire of turmoil and disease since I was too young to remember. Alcohol, drugs, Anger, Control, Lust. I have spent my life trying to run cosmic damage control. Trying to make things right again. I have to realize that sometimes I just can't do that. Sometimes I have to realize that it is just fucked up. Controlling the damage doesn't allow those around me to experience the natural consequences of their actions or words.

So I will have to remember to not sweat the things I have no control over. Because I have no control. And not sweat the stuff I do because I am fully capable of handling anything I am ment to handle. Simple huh? NOT!

Well back to life here. Thanks to those who let me be who I am without judging me to harshly. Regardless of how things might appear my only ulterior motive is peace and prosperity for everyone around me.

posted by digitalsulis @ 12:20 PM 0 comments

Somewhere I belong: I heard this song today I think I posted it awhile back but I need to revisit it once again. Spoke to my counselor today. He asked me if I thought I might need an antidepressent. I was like hell no. I can't hide from this. What I am feeling is me good or bad take it or leave it. I have spent my whole like searching for somewhere I belong. Someplace where I felt "GOT" I have done outragous things to accomplish those means.

Warning some people might want to stop reading here because they may not want to hear what I have to say next.

Have you ever been going along your day and something just boom makes sense all of a sudden. You just couldn't get your head around it and then all of a sudden it makes perfect sense. Today was one of those days. I grabbed some friends and started asking them questions. I wanted to know who I was. I'm not who I think I am. 14 years ago I made a conscious decision to change my life. I decided to go from being who I was to be someone who was a person whos biggest accomplishments and aspirations where to have dinner on the table at 6pm every night.

Before you get all up in arms about that. There is nothing wrong with have a schedule or cooking. There is nothing wrong with be domestic. But for me its like putting a butterfly in a box. Yeah its beautiful but noone gets to see it and eventually it dies.
I wanted so bad to be that person for the person who loved me. He made me feel special and totally loved and for that I wanted to be whatever made him happy. Whatever I had to do to belong.

But I never did find my home. Eventually I beat my wings against the box so hard the owner of the box held on to my wings to keep me from flying away rubbing off the stuff that lets you fly. Realizing I was forever stuck i laid there dispondent. The boxes owner lost interest and didn't treat me like his prized possession. The cycle went on and on. Eventually the reason for being the way I was didn't make any sense.

I was miserable because I didn't know what kind of butter fly I was. I had lost my drive and my will. I lost my DREAMS. When I was young my grandpa called me ms contrarey Becuase i questioned everything and always did whatever hit my fancy. Even when everyone told me I couldnt do it. Weather that was bringing my son to school, lettering in sports, excelling in leadership, or any of a number of accomplishments I have had over those years. I seized my day. I fought for what I believed in. For while there Nothing could stop me. I gave it all up to have the security of that box. Once i had it it didn't feel secure it felt stifling.

eventually It got so bad even I couldnt ignore it anymore. SO i left. For awhile I found the place I belonged. But i kept looking over my shoulder for that butterfly net. wondeing when it was going to snatch me out of the sky. So today, I realized that I need to stop being the caged butterfly and start being me. I need to face my fears. I need to realize that there is always some truth in the words spoken in anger. I am self centered. I am egotistical. It is what used to make me great. It is what used to draw everyone to me.

So these last 2 weeks I have been thinking and thinking about my being selfish by wanting things a certain way. Maybe with a little more counseling I will find the answer to all this. In the meantime I am working on bringing back my life. Finding a useful way to keep my dreams and stay true to my present. Once I have room to spread my wings my beauty will come back out. Thanks in advace to the patience. love ya all sulis
LINKIN PARK LYRICS

"Somewhere I Belong"

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find/
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Repeat Chorus]

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

[Repeat Chorus]

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

posted by digitalsulis @ 4:37 AM 0 comments

posted by digitalsulis @ 12:46 PM 0 comments

Shout it from the mountaintops: Your planet, Mercury, is in the cosmic news today as it is stifled by Saturn’s blockages at the same time as it is incited by the lightning of Uranus. You don’t know whether to hold your breath or shout it from the mountain top. Either way, you’ll be wishing you did the other. It’s your time to live with the irresolvable questions in your life.

Shouting, is an option. I just want my life back. I want it to be mine agian. Yes, I am a big selfish bitch. I am only thinking about myself yadda yadda yadda. Deal with it. I want no other obligations then to my children. Period! Then I can decide what I want to do with my life. Thinking about finally doing the things I put aside so many years ago. Finally getting where I want to go. I never had doubt I would get there someday I just hoped and preyed I would not be 50 in med school.

New regime. doing pilates, 1 miles walk, and the navy seals swim program. Tired of not being completly happy with the way I look. Now that I feel like everyone in my life loves me just the way I am. (anyone that matters anyways) I feel like I can do this for me and not feel creepy about it. Pilates is so simple but so hard all at the same time. When I have more money I may join curves down the street.

Personal grooming wise. I realized the week I had not lived up to my personal standards lately. There used to be a time when I would not leave my house without looking polished and together. Ironed clothes, makeup on, hair perfectly done, nails the whole thing. I lost that somewhere. Not to say I look like a slob all the time. Or anything. I just havent been as perfectly done as normal. Poma helped me to remember that. She has got my feet looking picture perfect again.my skin has never been better. and my hair could kiss her. Going to do my nails today. I miss having them done it makes me feel more feminine in some way.

So Sulis in her best fashion is remembering her lessons from What Southern Women Know (That Every Woman Should): Timeless Secrets to Get Everything You Want in Love, Life, and Work by Ronda Rich. There is something to this Southern Charm you hear so much about. I think Southern woman are the true geisha of the US. Before anyone gets all up in arms. Geisha does not mean prostitute. It mean literaly artist. A true Geisha doesn't undress herself for someone for money. ( the hours alone it took to get her dressed should be enough proof of that. She would never be able to get dressed again- the have a person who dresses them once a day.***) She is a companion, Someone to go to forget your worries, to have some fun, She can dance, sing, play an instrument, etc (thus the artist part) and she knows when to laugh and cry at your jokes and stories. In other words she is an artist at makeing you feel at home. Like you are the king of her castle.

Anyways, So I am working on making myself feel better. I am just drained right now. So much to do and not enough time and moeny to do it. I have a job but I hate it so I am working on finding another one. I am so tired of not having enough money to pay the bills. Frustrating as hell. Working now on rent and a vehicle. have about 3/4 of the rent. But no hope on the car front.

Hope everyone is doing well. miss ya all. hugs sulis

***This is not to say they don't have sex when they find someone attractive. They are just descreet about it. The higher up geisha have a "Husband" who pays for their time and expenses to have them at their discretion. Even that doesn't guarentee you will get sex from her. The whole idea of geisha fascinate me. Why not have people whos sole purpose is to entertain and make people feel good and happy? What in the world could be wrong with that? Chuckles ok the whole forced bond slavery thing but nothing is perfect.


Ill put up more geisha links later have to go for now

posted by digitalsulis @ 11:49 AM 0 comments

My reason for living- Phaze one Rebuilding: Unconditional is a term few of us understand. I was listening to some music trying to sort some things in my head. It comes down to this. I love certain people. Besides the usual family type people I have problably 6-8 people in my life that I love. I guess I should clarify what love means to me. It doesn't mean never having to say your sorry. It doesn't mean. I forget all the past. It does mean that I accept you for all your faults and weaknesses. I am here for you. I will do my best to lead you home when you need me to.

Until a few years ago noone had ever loved me the way I wanted, no needed to be loved. I didn't know what to do with it. I pushed it away. Protected my heart by forcing myself to only see this person as a friend. Everyone else knew the truth. Everyone else projected what they saw on us. To this day people assume that we have been together and sleeping with eachother for years. This just isn't the case. I'm very slow to realize things when it comes to love.

I have always been loved so fiercely that it was painfull. sufficating. Even today it is hard to look at the past and not feel the stifling feeling. I loved as best as I could but it was never enough. I gave everything I had to give but it was never enough. When I ran out of energy to give it was taken from me. (for the record I am not refering to one person here) I don't regret my past. It made me who I am. I like who I am. I regret my decisions. I regret not setting boundaries. I regret not speaking out before it was too late to save the world I so desperatly wanted to see.

I find myself caccooning myself away from everyone. I can't do that. Last night as I sat here watching tv with some friends I realized that I was searching for the answer to my question. I was searching for the direction to go. The truth is there is no right way to go. I just have to make decision and stick to it. It may hurt, it may be the wrong decision. But it has to be the best decision that I can make with the information before me today. Its all a girl can do...

Letting go of all my past fears and angers are not going to be easy. I know I am going to have to leave behind some people and force others into different rolls in my life. Some of them are not going to be happy in the place they find themselves. Others will be quiet pleased. I am sure I will make mistakes, I am sure I will end up hurting myself in some way. But I can't sit here anymore and hope that things will resolve themselves on their own.

You know who you are, you know what this means.
Barenaked ladies

I think
it's getting to the point where I can be myself again.
It's getting to the point where we have almost made
amends.
I think
its' the getting to the point that's the hardest part
If you call I will answer
and if you fall I will pick you up
and if you court this disaster I"ll point you home
I'll point you home
You think,
I only think about you when we're both in the same
room
I 'm only here to witness the remains of loving you
You think,
we're here to play a game of who loves more than
who
You think,
It's only fair to do what's best for you and you alone
You think,
It's only fair to do the same thing for me when your
not home
I think,
It's time to make this something that's more than only
fair.
I warning you, don't ever do
those crazy messed up things you do.
If you ever do, I promise you
I'll be the first to crucify you
it's time to prove that you came back here to rebuild?
Rebuild..

posted by digitalsulis @ 12:25 PM 0 comments