Life With Sulis

Breakstuff......
Its just one of those days when you dont wanna wake up
everything is fucked
everybody sucks
you dont really know why
but you wanna justify ripping somones head off
No human contact and if you interact
then your life is on contract
your best bet is just to stay away
mother fucker its just one of thse days

its all about the he says she says bull shit
It think you better quit it letting shit slip
I'm going leave ya with a fat lip
Its all about the he says she saya boo shit
I think you better quit talking that shit...

Its just one of those days
feeling like a freight train
First one ot complain leaves with a blood stain
The mind of a maniac
you better watch your back
cos' im fucking up your program (nice rhyming Fred)

hey dude your stuck up
Your just locked up
nex t in line to get fucked up
Its just one of those days
mother fucker so stay away

its all about the he says she says boom shit
It think you better quit it letting shit slip
or Ill leave ya with a fat lip
Its all abotu the he says she saya boo shit
I think you better quit talking that shit punk
so come and get it

I feel like shit...
My suggestion is to keep your distance
cos right now im dangerous
We all
feel like shit been treated like shit
all those mother fuckers who wanna step up

I hope you know I ghot a chainsaw
Ill skin your ass raw
and if my day keeps going this way
I might break something tonight
I hope you know I ghot a chainsaw
Ill skin your ass raw
and if my day keeps going this way
I might break something tonight
I hope you know I ghot a chainsaw
Ill skin your ass raw
and if my day keeps going this way
I might break your fucking face tonight

Give me something to break
give me smoething to break
give me smoething to break
and thats your fucking face

I hope you know I got a chain saw
WHAT
a chainsaw
WHAT
a motherfucking chainsaw
so cvome and get it

its all about the he says she says bull shit
It think you better quit it letting shit slip
Im going to leave ya with a fat lip
Its all about the he says she saya bull shit
I think you better quit talking that shit
so come and get it
I am not a normally violent person. But today has just been one of those days that I just want to hurt someone. Course it doesn't help that I live with two men. They both woke this morning in a piss ass mood. It was just one of those days. Nothing really the problem just everyone just iritated. Just want to break something. Chuckles the only thing is they are both inclined to play with me like a mouse when they are in this kind of mood. Not a good thing when I am also in that mood. So I am spending the evening working in my room and they are in the livingroom saving the world on playstation 2. Man this little girl is feeling a little lost. Its almost New Year and I have no direction and I am so not into anything right now. So when do I get to be content. Does that ever get to happen. Will I ever find out what it is that I have been searching for as long as I can remember. AAARRRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck Well I think my thought pattern is degrading I need some direction but i can't find it anywhere. I better get off for a bit to gather my thoughts. luv ya guys. kisses
sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 9:22 PM 0 comments

I'm Dreaming of a ......Well, here it is Christmas day. Had a decent day. Slept in..... Kept the baby up way late so he would be too tired ot wake up at the crack of dawn. Decorated the house and put out the presents last night. Had them all thinking we where not having Christmas here. They should know better. Even if I don't have money I can always do something for Christmas. Luckly I have been preparing for Christmas since last year. Boy did they feel silly about giving me a hard time about that closet filled to the top with stuff. Well tomorrow I have to try to get to the post office. To send off some presents to the girls and to my kids.

My oldest told me he doesn't think I care about him anymore. Which really fucked my day up. He should know better. I went through hell for him. I don't expect him to understand now. But it would be nice to not get hostility when I try to tell him that I love him. It hurt alot. but I am sure that he feels I have hurt him more. Its hard for him to understand all the factors that go into making a decision like I had to do this January. It nearly killed me. If it had not been for Digi and Wolfman I would probably not be here today. I honestly thought my life was over. I couldn't lose anything else. I lost my family, my car, my home, my job. What was left for anyone to take but my life.

I know that time was like walking in a dream. I was on auto pilot. In a haze of pain, both mental and physical. Just trying to get through each day. Missing my children, morning my dreams, morning my love, morning my life. I know I put Digi through hell. I hate myself for it. I hurt him and mistreated him, and ignored all the signs of what he needed from me. I don't know why he stuck around. But I can't help but thank God that he did. I can't thank him enough for taking care of me for all those months. For giving me hope and love and attention when my attention was divided elsewhere. I hope that someday I can return the favor. That I can give him back even a portion of what he has given me. Show him even half the patience he has shown me. Give him even half the understanding when it comes to needing space and time.

As this year comes to a close. I find myself revaluating what it means to be who I am. Reevaluting what the people around me need from me. What my priorties are and if they are the right ones. Ill try to fill you in on what I decide. All I know is I have an emptyness that I need to figure out how to correct. Before I can do anything for anyone else.

With that let me say Merry Christmas to all of you. I hope santa brought you everything you asked for. I know no matter what I got what I wanted to spend time with the people I love and care about.

luv ya guys,
sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 8:51 PM 0 comments

Something about the comming of a new year that gets you to thinking about your life. More people commit violent crimes and or suicide during this time of year then any other times of the year. The holidays get people thinking about their accomplishments and their family and for most of us our lives just don't stack up to what we want them to stack up to.

Knowing who I am I know that I will never be the person I want to be. That would make me perfect and well as they say their has only been one perfect person on this Earth and although my intials are JC I will never come close to that kind of divinity.

A year ago I was in a place in my life where I really wanted to kill myself. I didn't see my life ever getting any better. I was apart from my family and the people I love. My world was upside down and I was in a world of pain that I could not see going away. Well 4 surgeries, 7 hospital visits, and tons of medications later I am happy to say that my body is once again working on top form. No more kidney pain!!!! Yeah. I lost 85lbs last year and gained about 20 of it back. But I am starting to lose it agian. I went through 5 jobs until I found the one I really like.

I am a teacher and I love it. I work with high risk children and kids that are in cps custody. They require alot of work and are a challenge to motivate but the rewards are well worth it. I teach computers and art. I substitute for almost all subjects but especially for advanced math (read Calculus, trig., Algebra II) and science. Its a small charter school where I usually have at the most 15 kids in my class sometimes as low as 3 like my calc class.

I am a place in my relationships with others that I am trying to decide where to go from here. Who is worth the trouble to keep in my life?Who isn't? Who should I be with as a lover? Who should I be with as friends? Should I stay where I am? Should I move back to Arizona? Should I move somewhere completely different?

All I know is there is still something missing in my life. Well that being said. I am missing my children but this is more then that. Something my souls is waiting for. I don't know wheather its release or capture. Weather I am looking for someone or looking to let go of someone who shouldnt have a hold on me. I just don't know. The more I think about it the more frustrated and angry I get.

I want my life to be normal. I want to wake up in the morning with someone who I love completely whom I know loves me completley no reservations, no I'll love you if you do this or if you act like this, if you look like this. I want to be able to be a part of a family that cares about eachother and doesn't turn their backs on eachother. I want to not fight with the people I do love and get along with them. They all know that I love them but no matter how much space and no matter how accomidating I am to thier needs or requests I am still met with anger and hostilities.

I want to put behind me all the pain and anger of the last 7 years. Move on develop stronger different and more effective relationship with those who are part of who I am. The problem is, I just don't see that happening. I just don't see everyone working together. I just don't see everyone getting along. its been 2 years and I still can barely have a conversation with Tal without us fighting. I am trying to stop being angry. But the pain is their everyday. It prevents me from being the person I need to be. I prevents me from giving what I should to those around me. They see it and they are angry with me for that. Why should i waste so much of my energy on someone who doesn't deserver the expenditure. Chuckles their is that anger comming out again. Anyways. a few thousand counseling session later maybe I will get over it.

Guess I just have to get over the thought that life is supposed to be a fairtale. And I am supposed to be the Queen. I will settle for just functioning right now.

Well I have tons of work to do. email me if you need a 120gig hd.

hugs and kisses.
sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 10:46 AM 0 comments