Life With Sulis

From the lost one: Living but tired ;-p

WARNING: HAVE NOT BLOGGED IN A LONG TIME WILL RAMBLE AND ADD ALOT OF LYRICS i HAVE BEEN MEANING TO POST.;-)

Thought I would check in with yall and ensure everyone that I am alive and well. Life has just been a tad bit busy around here. Just moved to a new apartment much bigger right next to the laundry room ( might as well be in my house as close as it is) and very close to the pool and mailbox. super convient. Big pain moving in. Lots of work to do to make it what I want it to be but i have good help. Smiles. Working tons of hours trying to pay off bills, the same story just getting back on my feet trying to figure out which way is up. For awhile there I wasn't sure if I would figure it out. Lots of thinking and decisions had to be made. I had given myself a year to think before I made any decisions about relationships. That year has come and gone. I realized that I can't just live in this holding pattern waiting for something to happen. I waiting for things to work themselves out. I also realized that no matter how much I care about some people its never gonna change who they are and how we related to eachother. So lately I have been really trying to think about the people in my life differently.
I have a couple of songs that have going through my mind alot lately:(I have said this before and I will say it again, if you want to know what I am thinking listen to what I am listening to or singing. Those of you who really know me know what is consumming my mind and I want to say to you all I love you and try to understand even though I know you are really not ready to deal.)

This first one made me think about my little clan. All of us are trying to be this perfect person that we or others think we should be. We try and fail and make ourselves and everyone around us miserable in the process. Maybe, we need to sit back and learn to be a little more tolerant of others. I am not saying we shouldnt expect great things of great people. I am just saying that when someone is really trying we need to give them credit for it. I will admit right here I have a really hard time with this. I know that the people in my life are capable of alot more then they are currently doing. and It hurts and enrages me to see them not live to their potential. Then again I need only look in the mirror to see the biggest culprit of not living up to ones natural potential. And for the record, Soul thank you for posting your thoughts as you go through this rebuilding it really helps me stay focused and not feel so alone on this jurney to discover what i am really met to do here.
Work In Progress
(Alan Jackson)

Okay, I forgot about the trash,
I didn't trim the long hairs on my moustache.
I did buy you a ring; I believe it was back in '93.
Alright, I admit it; I forgot our anniversary.
I did pick up the baby this morning at the nursery.
That ain't no big thing; It's a gold star for me.

You get tired and disgusted with me,
When I can't be just what you want me to be.
I still love you and I try real hard.
I swear, one day, you'll have a brand new car.
I even asked the Lord to try to help me:
He looked down from Heaven, said to tell you please;
Just be patient, I'm a work in progress.

I'm sorry I got mad, waitin' in the truck;
It seemed like hours, you gettin' all dressed up,
Just to go to Shoney's on a Wednesday night.
I read that book you gave me about Mars and Venus;
I think it's sinkin' in but I probably need to re read it,
But I'm starting to see now, what you been saying is right.

You get tired and disgusted with me,
When I can't be just what you want me to be.
I still love you and I try real hard.
I swear, one day, you'll have a brand new car.
I even asked the Lord to try to help me:
He looked down from Heaven, said to tell you please;
Just be patient, I'm a work in progress.

Instrumental Break.

I know you meant well when you bought gave me those clogs,
But my heels get hot down by the muffler on my hog.
I'm sure they're stylish, but I'll take my boots.
I try to do that health thing like you want me to do,
That low-fat, no fat's gettin' hard to chew.
Now, I love your cookin', honey,
But sometimes, I need some real food.

You get tired and disgusted with me,
When I can't be just what you want me to be.
I still love you and I try real hard.
I swear, one day, you'll have a brand new car.
I even asked the Lord to try to help me:
He looked down from Heaven, said to tell you please;
Just be patient, I'm a work in progress.

Oh honey, just be patient, now,
I'm a work in progress.

Oh, I need a major tune up.
Maybe a full, body-off, restoration.
I Miss My Friend: Darryl Worley.

I hear this song and it made me cry. Cause I know that the guys is saying. Its hard to miss the friend you have lost. It does feel like living in a sorta darkness when that connection is not there. I especially feel for my Grandmother who recently lost her husband of almost 60 years. I love you grandpa more then I ever told you when you where alive. Grandma I know the pain will never go away but know that we all do love you. We are all here for you. And to my own lost friend. I despite what you must think I do miss you. I pray everyday that someway we will learn to get through all this. It has to happen so much is lost because of all of this. So much is damaged. I know only time will repair it but I honestly hope that you understand that despite the anger I do miss my friend.

Written by Mark Nessler, Tom Shapiro and Tony Martin.
(© Buna Boy Music/Glitterfish Music/Mosaic Music/Tree Publishing Company/Wenonga Music.)
From "I Miss My Friend", © 2002, SKG Music Nashville Dreamworks.

I miss the look of surrender in your eyes;
The way your soft brown hair would fall.
I miss the power of your kiss when we made love
Oh, but baby most of all, I miss my friend.

The one my heart and soul confided in.
The one I felt the safest with,
The one who knew just what to say,
To make me laugh again,
And let the light back in.
I miss my friend.

I miss the colors that you brought into my life.
Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes.
An' I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now,
Saying it'll be alright, I miss my friend.

The one my heart and soul confided in.
The one I felt the safest with,
The one who knew just what to say,
To make me laugh again,
And let the light back in.
I miss my friend.

I miss those times, I miss those nights,
I even miss those silly fights
The making up, the morning talks,
And those late afternoon walks:
I miss my friend.

The one my heart and soul confided in.
The one I felt the safest with,
The one who knew just what to say,
To make me laugh again,
Let the light back in.
I miss my friend.

I miss my friend.
I miss my friend.
Mmmmmm.
I miss my friend.

To fade.

This one really hit me good. It really speaks to my need to be one step ahead. Always looking for a better way to do things. Sometimes OK most times it just leaves me hurt and farther behind. Maybe its time to stop doing this to my self and learn to appreciate that which is close at hand. Sometime the hardest things to do is allow yourself to appreciate what you have.

Sara Evans
I Keep Looking

Back when I was young
Couldn't wait to grow up
Get away and get out on my own
And looking back now
Ain't it funny how
I've been trying to get back home, yeah

When my low self esteem
Needs a man loving me
And I find me a perfect catch
Then I see my friends
Having wild weekends
Then I don't wanna get quite so attached
Just as soon as I get what I want
I get unsatisfied
Good is good but could be better

I keep looking, I keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what's on the other side
Of the number two door
I keep looking
Looking for something more

Well, the straight haired girls
They all want curls
And the brunettes wanna be blonde
It's your typical thing
You got ying you want yang
It just goes on and on
They say, hey, it's only human
To never be satisfied
Well I guess that I'm as human as the next one

Oh, I keep looking
I keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what's on the other side
Of the number two door
Yeah, I keep looking
Looking for something more

Just as soon as I get what I want
I get unsatisfied
Hey, good is good but could be better

I keep looking
I keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what's on the other side
Of the number two door
I keep looking
Looking for something more
Oh, looking for something more

Not sure exaclty why this song effects me so strongly other then I know what it feels like to see someone you love drop a bomb on you. I know how confused you can be to love someone so desperatly and know you just cant live with what they are doing to you. To know that if you let it continue it will reinforce that they can do what they want with no consiquences till the stakes become so high you can no longer deal with the outcomes. Not wanting to let go but knowing it the right thing to do. Afraid that you will lose the one thing you need. Do you forgive, can you forgive. Will that pain ever go away. Does the betrayal ever mend. I hope so for my sake.
Forgive
(Bruce/Howard)
Forgive Rebecca Lynn Howard

I always said that'd be it
That I wouldn't stick around
If it ever came to this
Here I am so confused
How am I supposed to leave
When I can't even move
In the time that it would've took to say
"Honey I'm home, how was your day"
You dropped a bomb right where we live
And just expected me to forgive

Well that's a mighty big word
For such a small man
And I'm not sure I can
'Cause I don't even know now who I am
It's too soon for me to say forgive

I should ask but I won't
Was it love or just her touch
'Cause I don't think I want to know
So get you some things and get out
Don't call me for a day or two
So I can sort this out
Well you might as well've ripped the life
Right out of me, right here tonight
When through the fallen tears you said
Can you ever just forgive

Well that's a mighty big word
For such a small man
And I'm not sure I can
'Cause I don't even know now who I am
It's too soon for me to say forgive

Well you know what they say
Forgive and forget,
Relive and regret

Forgive, well that's a mighty big word
For such a small man
And I'm not sure I can
'Cause I don't even know now who I am
It's too soon for me to say forgive

It's too soon for me to say
Forgive

I have been thinking about alot of people in my life lately. looking at how i dealt with them who I pushed away, who i held close at hand. wonder if I made the right decisions. All those should of could of would ofs. Trying to learn from all these lessons I have been storying away trying not to think about for so long. Trying to hide from. Its time to deal with them and finally learn the lesson they where ment to teach me. God I hope I learn it. I dont think I am strong enough to go through it again.
These Days


Hey baby, is that you?
Wow, your hair got so long
Yeah, yeah i love it, i really do
Norma jean, aint that the song we'd sing in the car
Drivin' downtown, top down, makin' the rounds
Checkin' out the bands on Dulley Avenue

Yeah, life throws you curves
But you learned to swerve
Me I swung and I missed
And the next thing you know
I'm reminiscing
Dreamin' on dreams
Wishin' on wishes
Like you would be back again

Chorus:
I wake up in teardrops
That fall down like rain
I put on that old song we danced to
And then I head off to my job
Guess not much has changed
Punch the clock
Head for home
Check the phone, just in case
Go to bed, dream of you
That's what I'm doing these days
Yeah, that's what I'm doing

Someone told me after college
You ran off to Veags
You married a rodeo cowboy
Wow, that aint the girl I knew
Me, I've been a few places
Mostly here and there, once or twice
Still sortin' out life but I'm doing alright
Yeah, it's good to see you too

Well, hey girl you're late
And those planes they don't wait
But if you ever come back around this sleepy old town
Promise me you'll stop in
To see an old friend
And until then

Chorus:
I wake up and teardrops
They fall down like rain
I put on that old song we danced to
And then I head off to my job
Guess not much has changed
Punch the clock
Head for home
Check the phone, just in case
Go to bed, dream of you
That's what I'm doing these

I wake up and teardrops
They fall down like rain
I put on that old song we danced to
And then.

(Repeat 2x) >>

I just want to say this song is to everyone that I should have said sorry to. The problem is mine. My pride, my fear, my failure. I will never be who you all need me to be. I am sulis and unfortunetly that does not make me superman. I wish I could say I will never hurt anyone again. I wish I could say i will never make a mistep with someone I love but I know it would be lieing.

Mine All Mine
KRISTYN OSBORN/HOLLIE POOLE


THE SUN KISSES THE WINDOW SILL AND I AM STILL
ON MY SECOND CUP OF PITY ME
IT’S BEEN A LONG NIGHT OF CHASING GHOSTS BUT AT THE MOST
IT’S BEEN A RUDE AWAKENING
THAT ALL TOO LATE I FINALLY SEE
THAT IT’S

CHORUS:
MY LOSS, MY LONELY
MY MISTAKE, MINE ONLY
MINE ALL, MINE ALL MINE
AND IT’S MY BAD, MY BROKEN
ALL MY SHOULD HAVE’S LEFT UNSPOKEN
MINE ALL, MINE ALL MINE

I DROVE YOU TO THE EDGE OF THE MAP AND AFTER THAT
I PUSHED YOU OFF JUST TO WATCH YOU FALL
YOU NEVER WERE THE BOUNCE BACK KIND
BUT BOY THIS TIME YOU’VE PROVEN ME WRONG AFTER ALL
NOW I’M THE ONE WHO’S GONNA CRAWL
CAUSE IT’S

REPEAT CHORUS

ALWAYS THOUGHT I’D GET TO SORRY
BUT THE CHANCE HAS COME AND GONE
SO IF IT FINDS IT IT’S WAY BACK IN
I’LL HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON
MY LOSS, MY LONELY
MY MISTAKE, MINE ONLY
MINE ALL, MINE ALL, MINE ALL MINE

I guess that is all for now. I am 9 days away from my 32nd birthday. Feeling sorry for myself. Missing my babies. Missing my friends. Missing alot of things. But I should not feel this way. I know that I have alot to be thankful. I have plenty of poeple to thank and love and be blessed because they around. To you always understand that even when I am sad you still make me happy. A smile is all it takes to turn my world upside down. Thank you for being there for me and loving me despite everything I have put you through. I know it has been tough. I know that I have not been what you need me to be. I have been lost in all this pain both physical and emotional. I want to thank you for helping me out of this hole I put myself in. I can never repay you for it. Even though you may not truly understand it I LOVE YOU. Even though I have alot of deamons and issues i like to through in your way know that I respect you for not allowing my frailty or my inablity to provide for your needs to stand in your way. Thank you for everything. It means everything to me. To have someone in my life who love me without expecting anything in return.

sorry i have to go now i hope to blog again soon. But only time will tell. Need to cry for a bit. I luv you guys and miss you all. girls I hope everything is going well. Kimi you are looking better then ever keep it up. Tats dont get lost in the parental zone, we would all miss you too much. Soul keep up the good work you will make it through this just like every time before. T and kat congrat on the move and good luck in the job hunt you know I am thinking about you. Thanks for listening. Even though I know yall think I am insane. poma and Zero, it was nice to hear your voices miss you tons. Baby, love ya miss ya kiss ya you know the rest take care of him barbie girl, he deserves it. To the rest of the lost flock check in I dont curretly have a computer but I will try to check in as much as I can. night and sweet dreams sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 10:47 PM 0 comments

sulis!! where are you?? i've called.. i've written.. we're worried over here.

posted by PoMaBear @ 12:00 PM 0 comments