Life With Sulis

This blog I want to share with you. I have been meaning to but it never seemed like the right time. But it says much better how I feel inside the dark side of me I try not to show people. I want you to know how I feel. Read it and understand it Think about it as me talking to you inside your head.Because this is how I feel what I would say if I could say what I really mean out loud. Read it and you will know where I am and why I haven't healed. I need to find my way through this but it is hard and there is no easy answer no clear path to follow. Read it And too my mental twin who wrote it thank for putting into words what my heart was screaming.

posted by digitalsulis @ 7:03 PM 0 comments

Goals, reevaluation of needs and wants:

My imediate goals are to make 1500 in the next 9 days. Not sure right this minute how I am going to do that but that is my goal.
I have a few options but none are for sure. Man if it wasn't so totally against my person moral convictions prostitution would be looking pretty good right about now.
I need to get my personal life in order. Getting there is something i am going to have to figure out.
I need to start taking better care of my body.
I need to find a new job that pays better. I really don't want to but money is what makes everything happen so its neccessary.

What I want out of life:
To be happy where i am and who I am
To have my primary relationships strong and happy
To feel like I am loved and cared for above all others by a man I feel the same for.
To have the option to do what I want wheather that be go to the mall with my daughter, have a baby, or get married or choose not to do any of the above. Right now I have no choice at all. I can't see my daughter I wont have a baby out of marriage again. I can't legally marry anyone. My life is so not stable enough for any of that anyways.
These things are the same things I have wanted since I was 16 years old probably younger then that. But they always seem just out of my reach.

I guess what I am looking for is to be loved as much as I love. Everyone I know is afraid and bitter and dman it if I didnt make them that way. Fuck if I know what exactly I did to do it. All I know is somewhere along the line I make people afraid or too angry to really show me love even if they really love me. Someone want to clue me in. Cause I don't want do this anymore I need to heal I need to feel cared about. How do I fix this? I dont honestly know where to begin.

sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 3:17 PM 0 comments

Stop the World and Let Me Off: Damn it has been getting a little crazy around here. We have been looking for better jobs and trying to do work and fighting with clients that just dont want to answer emails or phone calls. I am frustrated to say the least. Had a migraine for the last 3 days I have been trying to work through. Got sent home because I was sick as hell. Migrains make even the stupidest thing my you want to throw up.For instance: I was playing CounterStrike with Digi he threw a grenade at me the screen flashed and I had to make a run to the bathroom.

Been kinda busy off world (aka offline) Doing alot of things. My son has royal rangers they are building pinewood derby cars. I am coaching Softball. Its fun and I am coaching 4-7 year olds so its just about as cute as you can get it. I miss my baby girl and working with the little ones helps. Trying to make enough money to keep this ship afloat. Not an easy job when your main job is only part time. Plus we had spring break in there which I didnt get paid for.

So now I am scrambling to find money for food and rent and stuff like this. If anyone has any ideas on some quick ways to make money or knows someone who has a couple 1000 dollars to loan tell me. I have a project in mind, Its comes with a guarentee. So if It does not work out you would get your money back. Anyone interested please email me at liltexan81@hotmail.com and I will send you the information on my plan. You would be helping out and I would be eternally grateful.

Well I have to get going need to get some things done. miss you all alot. I wish I was working at home and had more time to spend visiting with yall. hugs
sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 8:40 AM 0 comments

I was driving to school today when I heard this song. It summed up what I was thinking. What I wanted to say. Why I am sooo sorry for the men in my life. Y'all have been very patient with me in this long process. I apreciate it. Digi you especially have had to deal with alot of ups and down. Thank you for everything you have done. I'm sorry for everything I have put you through. Healing takes time and no one can do it for me.

Somewhere I Belong
Linkin Park

When this began
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I let it all out to find /that I'm
Not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to lose
Just stuck/hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
And the fault is my own

I want to heal
I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
[Erase all the pain 'til it's gone] I want to heal
I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something i've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
I was confused
Looking everywhere/only to find that it's
Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I
What do I have but negativity
'Cause I can't justify the
Way everyone is looking at me
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain/hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
The fault is my own

I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything 'til I break away from me
And I will break away
I'll find myself today

I want to heal
I want to feel like I'm
Somewhere I belong

posted by digitalsulis @ 2:02 PM 0 comments

WARNING: This is an opinion and a very heavily weighted and influenced opion based on factors I will discuss at a later time. Please read it as such

What's not right with this picture:I woke up this morning to a dream of my school kids yelling that they won't go to school because we are at War only to wake and find that we really where at war. The more I read in the news this morning the more I wonder what the hell is wrong with this picture. What is happening that Finland feels that they ( a tradtionally neutral country, not quiet as neautral as switzerland but close)need to speak against us? What is wrong with the picture of Saddam standing before his people, in the face of war, speaking with little conviction(his tone and usual physical animation gone) in wrote platitudes written on a paper he is squinting to read even with his glasses?(something he never wears) Why doesn't it strike anyone wierd that this mad man is willing to strike is own city when there are plenty of US only targets within striking distance that wouldn't endanger his own citizens?

The UN needs to get its head out of its collective asses and realize that months ago they gave an ulitmatium and while they are unable and unwilling to back their words with action the US is. Like training a child if you give them a rule and then never enforce it, never follow through with consequences you are flirting with disaster, You are making yourself powerless to affect their future actions. Why should they listen if they know you will never follow through with the consequences? Its a lesson I have struggled with my children for a good portion of my adult llife. Its a lesson I see in the faces of my school kids everyday. Why should I care if you say I can't drink, do drugs, hurt people? you're not going to do anything to me. I am not going to get in trouble. I have had kids tell me they walk openly in the streets smoking dope with no fear of punishment. Even if they get caught probation is the most they are going to get so why should they care.

I guess what I want to know is do you support our country right to defend its interests, to protect its citizens, to affect change in a recognizable manor for the good of the citizen ship of the world as a whole? Do we want to have to live in fear forever? Like a good parent with a errent child we need to swiftly and humanly realign this country. I pray the GWB has the wisdom to do this quickly and do it completly. that he gets our parents, siblings, spouses, children and other loved ones home safely and quickly. That he has the stregth to do the right things even in the face of opposition. American stand behind him or get the hell out.

posted by digitalsulis @ 5:16 AM 0 comments

The following is an editorial from one of my students posted with permission. The sentiment is not necessarily mine. But I like to give them some voice.

Alcohol has played a role in society for thousands of years. That is why it is so widely accepted. But, did you know that alcohol is the most commonly used and widely abused psychoactive drug in the country. That sounds like more of a problem than any other illegal drug and yet to think it is legal. I personally believe that if alcohol is legal marijuana should be too. Effects of alcohol intake are dizziness, slurred speech, disturbed sleep, nausea, vomiting, and significantly impairs the judgment and coordination required to drive a car safely. Alcohol can also increase the incidence of aggressive acts, including domestic violence and child abuse. Prolonged, heavy use can lead to addiction . Sudden cessation of long term, extensive alcohol intake is likely to produce withdrawal symptoms, including severe anxiety, tremors, hallucinations, and convulsions.

During the 1930’s, the American media propagated numerous false stories as marijuana facts, and in my opinion still do. Thus, marijuana and hemp were effectively banned in 1938. In favor of marijuana, no one has ever died from use and it does not lead to physical dependency. It is a medicinal herb that has hundreds of proven, valuable therapeutic uses- from stress reduction, asthma, and as well as cancer therapy. Marijuana was a major active ingredient in 40-50% of patent medicines before its ban and could replace at least 10-20% of prescribed drugs now in use. Hemp also has an estimated 50,000 non-drug commercial uses including paper, textiles, fuels, food, sealants, and rope. But, these uses are also banned by existing laws.

As you can see marijuana serves for many other purposes other than just a drug and it was legal. I’m sure that alcohol can serve some purposes medically but alcohol in my opinion has brought nothing but pain to alcoholics and death to sometimes innocent people.

posted by digitalsulis @ 9:16 AM 0 comments

Thanks for the positive thoughts - it's all cool. I am sure things will settle down. Obviously money is a real bitch right now - but I have a secret project cooking with Flagg that might really help us make our rent in a few months :) It all depend son how much people love us and how much curiosity they have.

Can you folks go look at the new site I built for dotPublishing and let me know what you think of it?

posted by Soulhuntre @ 10:33 PM 0 comments

quick post. I am at work debating about what to do about our current money shortage. I am torn between being there for my family and having to provide for them. It's an age old struggle woman face daily. How to juggle their need to be doing their family thing and taking care of business. I was hoping that I could make a home office work again. But it is a little more difficult to work with Digi then it used to be when I was actually above him in the hierarchy of things. He is getting frustrated with me because I do things different 2 years of doing customer service work has tarnished him so he wants to DO it his way or Not at all.

posted by digitalsulis @ 10:25 AM 0 comments

Responses and thanks:I wanted to post a few responses to post. Welcome a new member to our team and welcome back an old friend. I also wanted to give you all an update on what I am doing.So I can keep this somewhat organized I am going to number these responses. You know me though it will ramble and intertwine.

1. Welcome to the team Soulhuntre we look forward to your post. I truly hope to see plenty of them. I do however know your schedule and know wanting them and getting them are two entirely different things. Welcome back, lovely Lexa, I also always apreciate your insight. You know I often come to you to center myself. I hope that you always feel welcome and free to express yourself on these pages. To those of you who have not posted recently. Please come back to me. To us! We miss you. Tell us how you have been. Share with us where you are heading.

2.Response to Tatsumi: I have not had much time to chat lately. I enjoyed your journals on your trip to London. Wish you could have stuck me in your suitcase. ;) As for the baggage comment.I wonder if sometimes we all need to have that little trinket( that little silver warning) to warn those around us and to remind ourselves where are minds are. All of us have baggage in some way or another. Some travel light, a mear toothbrush and change of clothes carried in a pocket or on their back. Others of us bring everything but the kitchen sink and sometime we bring that too. Being closer to the person who has enough baggage to make even the most adept bell hop run in fear, The song Soul posted here.did also make me think maybe he has this weird insight into my brain. I have been struggling with my baggage of late. frustrated with my lack of progress. Frustrated with my fear (more on that later)Frustrated that I can't (won't) get passed it. Struggling with other's baggage. Both Digi's, Tal's, and Redneck's. KNowing that I am hopelessly intertwined in the lives of these men. Knowing that I can not feasibly extricate myself from their lives without repercussions I am not prepared to accept. Knowing that the three of them are testing me and training me. To be patient, to be kind, to watch my back, to learn empathy, and above all to learn about myself. So back to Tats, Know that while I do not pretend to know all of what your baggage entails, I feel for you, I know how hard it can be to stand up under the weight and hold your head up and have some semblance of self. I apploud you for your perserverance, I can only imagine the frustrations and pain you have had to endure. Keep it up and know we are all standing behind you. All watching you, not to judge you but to get to know you better and in doing so get to know ourselves.

3. Soulhuntre: Over the years I have quoted him several time. Many of you who really know me probably think that I have a Soul fetish so to speak. I though I would address this now becuase someone has emailed me about it and I want to be absolutly clear to both the public and to Soul himself. Soul, Kimi, and later Tats and Flagg have been a daily part of my life for almost 8 years. (or is it 9) Its been so long I forget exactly when. I know I have talked a little about where Kimi fits into things. About Kimi helping me deal with a fundimental part of my mind that has caused me problems in the past because I fought it, feeling it a weakness. She helped me come to terms with it. (Although, it is an ongoing struggle.) A few years ago, I sought Soul out, after a lengthy discussion with kimi, I harrassed him with all kinds of questions. read everything I could about him or by him, In my typical, Nancy drew style, tried to research who he really was, The reality of who KJ appears to be is and was far more complicated then I was prepared and wanted to see. I began to realize that I could relate to almost everything he said. (he is a prolific writer, on everything from computers to gunplay ;-P) The more I read the more I was drawn to know more. In the beginning I was afraid of him. So afraid I had a difficult time speaking when he was present, I sensored myself harshly in his presense. You would have to know this man has the sweetest softest voice in the world (giggles except when he is mad---damn I miss that audio) I was still afraid, The fear was mainly because he seemed to have the uncanny ability to address issues I was having before I had them. Not directly at me but in his public forum. He would address issues I was grappling with and force me in his unusual thought pattern to look at my situation in a different light. More often then not his input has made a profound difference in my life. Learning that he was human and had all the same fears and desires as we all do helped me get through the darkest times in my life. His influence has shaped my way of thinking and being. So the moral of this long rambling story is yes I have a Soul fetish but not in the way everyone thinks. (though honestly he is a really good looking smart man) I feel the way I do and watch so intently for his next post becuase he speaks to a primal part of me that very few get to. To a part of me that justs knows and reacts. Weather that it to stand and fight or fall to floor and kiss some leather.

3. I have been extremely busy, not online much, I will post more about fear after I get back from work. I miss you all and hope you all have a great day. hugs and kisses sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 5:44 AM 0 comments

Hey everyine, do me a favor and go vote up my E2 entry for "Alternate Reality Game". if you don't have an account, go make one and then vote me up :)

posted by Soulhuntre @ 5:15 AM 0 comments