Life With Sulis

Self Esteem Booster: This week has been an intersting one. There is nothing queit like having a whole lot of people you really enjoy being around suddently pop back into your life. Things have been odd but then again it is nice to know that when i leave someplace my memory lives on. Nice to also know that its a good one. Spending time on projects so not enough time to do the really fun stuff but I am working on that. feeling much better about myself. Must be all the male attention I have been recieving lately. Must just be my time of the year. UH OH Kat time to lock me in the closet till the pheramones wear off. The bad thing about it is I haven't been feeling particularly friendly or sexual at all. What a waste of opportunity. Maybe I will snap out of it but maybe as my kids keep reminding me I am just getting old.

Seems like school is going pretty well. I enjoy the job and the other teachers seem to appreciate me so all is well for now. Thinking about going full time but I guess it will have to be a wait and see kinda thing.

Had a bad discussion about an icky subject last night.Abortion. Its a touchy subject in this house and one that usually gets left well enough alone. But angry words where said to a friend of mine and broke his heart. Why do woman pull shit like that? Its one thing to do it another thing to use it like a weapon against the other person. How heartless is that? So last night was not a particularly happy one although fox, coffeetester, babyd, and niceguy tried very hard to make it so. Just want you all to know even though I sounded upset that I realy really apreciate your attention and sweetness. It means a lot to me to know you guy care. Thank you!

Need to find my way to the post office I have 4 boxes sitting in my house from christmas. I just never seem to have the vehicle when the damn post office is open. Sorry to those of you waiting for your package. I love you guys I really really do!

Well I need to get some stuff done around the house. Havent done the house patrol. Talk to you all soon.

Love ya,
sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 2:52 PM 0 comments

What passes for life: I have done alot of thinking about what it is about myself that I want to change. Things I see in myself that cause conflicts with the people I love even when I have no intention of causing conflict. Picking and rending away at myself trying to find what it is that I like about myself. I started to listen to people. Listen to when they say good and bad things about me. Realizing that even when I feel that they are dead wrong about what they are saying that there is a bit of truth in it.

Its taken my almost 33 years to get to a place in my life where I can look at myself and realize that its ok not to be perfect. That I will never reconcile my need to gentle and nice and loving with the side of me that is forceful and angry and mean. That the best I can hope for is to learn when its appropriate to use each of these distinct personality so that they cause the least amount of damage to those around me and myself and garner the greatest amount of benefit.

I wanted to start off by saying that for some time now I have been on my own crusade about religion. I believe that religion is what drives us on. Even a seeming lack of one is a relgion unto itself. Because what is religion but a set of beliefs. Webster says its: a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with ardor and faith. So I have been asking people what it is that drives their religion. Alot of people look at me blankly not understanding what I am asking them. They want to answer whatever it is that their organzied religion tells them is true. But what I am really asking them is what do they believe? What do they feel in their heart? When noone else is around and they only have themselves to hold to what is it that drives them forward?

For me it is hope. Hope is such a simple word. With a meaning that is truly what causes us to trudge on. Hope for tomorrow. Hope for today. For me I look at every person I meet and I have hope for them that they will accomplish everything they have inside them. That someone if I can be there for them for a few simple moments I can help them to connect to that part of them that drives them to what they where put on this Earth to do. The echo of thier futures reveberates in my head. I see them as they should be seen and not as they are currently. I see pregnant teenage mothers as business owners and successful parents. I see alcoholics as potential leaders. All the pain and suffering that they have endured was there for a reason. To mold them into something they could not be without these trails.

My own life is not without these trials. People ask me all the time why is it that I dont hold a grudge? Why I let people walk on me? Why I don't turn my back on people when they hurt me? The answer is because something in my soul tells me that this person needs me to be there for them. That they need to have someone who they can lash out at that is not going to turn away from them . I know that there are people in my life that have done some pretty terrible things to me. That have tried to hurt me in ways that I can not even go into here. But I love them. WIthout all of those people in my life I would not be the person I am today. I might not be able to see the potential in people. I might not be able to understand that when someone pushes you away its not always because they don't care. I have had to push people away from me in the past that I care deeply for and I am sure in the future I will have to do it again . But I only do this when I know that it is in the best interest of the person involved to do so.

Its wierd i sat here today to right this down and say that I see potential in everyone around me and alot of other things came out of it. I want to say thank you to babyd for seeing the potential in me and focusing my attention into something that can actually work. To Digi for shaking things up enough to keep me always reevaluting what I am doing. And for helping me to see the things that need work that I as blind to for so long. I love you both. Thank you both.

To the rest of my lost flock. Look in the mirror and remember there is so much more for you to do. Find out what it is and DO IT! I look forward to watching you all live your dreams. Not one of you can't realize them if you only have Faith.

To sum all this rambling up I only need to look at the pin on Digi's desk. It says Love never fails.So I leave you with this verse. Think about it and even if you don't believe in God or Jesus or the bible recognize it for what it is a statement of truth.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
9For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-13 :: New International Version (NIV)
This is my second favorite bible verse One I hope brings all of you as much peace as it does to me. Love unconditionally and love with all your heart. Don't be afraid of the pain. The reward is so much greater then the pain can ever be. Because LOVE NEVER FAILS!!

sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 10:12 PM 0 comments